Damn Teleports
by Naraku's Phoenix
Summary: Marvin, Potter characters, pointless questions, and some sarcastically hilarious insults and comments. Full summary inside.
1. Materializing into the Forbidden Forest

**Naraku's Phoenix:** Hello Readers…I'M BACK! HAAZAH! Now then, the fiction you are about to read was based off of a picture I once drew. It…inspired me, somewhat. You don't have to review – though I'd appreciate it –, just as long as I know people are reading it…I love that new 'Story Hits' Feature!

**Full Summary:** The infamous Improbability Drive has been on the fritz lately and random dimensional teleports have been triggered all across the _Heart of Gold_. Marvin – getting caught in one of them – ends up at Hogwarts to do, what else? But travel the Grounds and unintentionally observe and interview the Faculty and Students. Like he has anything else better to do.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own either Harry Potter or Douglas Adams' Hitchhiker Series. If I did though, Marvin would be all mine!

I'd also like to make a dedication of sorts, something I plan to do for every new fic I post from now on. So…

**_This fiction is dedicated to:_** My fellow Hitchhiker/Harry Potter fans: Ian McCormick, Philip Zion (Tharen Dul), and Daniel Zion (Ky-bo Nioz). You guys rock.

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**Chapter 1: Materializing into the Forbidden Forest**

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"Oh, yeah baby! You're the best; you're the greatest; you're the most important thing in the Universe! Rock on Mr. President, 'cause those aliens have got nothing on you!" Enter the All Great and Powerful President of the Galaxy, Mr. Zaphod Beeblebrox! With your tone of words and moon pie ego, you're a rather annoying person to have at parties, reunions, various organizations, speeches – even if they are your own – and not to mention the grocery store on one to many occasions. No wonder Trillian left you.

"Yeah, work that sash! They know who's in power!"

'SHZOOP!'

All of a sudden the mirror Zaphod was posing in became a Ravenous Bug-Blatter Beast cardboard cut-out, all the furniture in the _Heart of Gold_'s main room turned into cheese, and one of Zaphod's heads turned into a spinning Disco ball.

"Whoa!" Zaphod shouted out as he jumped back from the Ravenous Bug-Blatter Beast cut-out in shock. Then light began to flicker off of the mirrored ball – conveniently located on Zaphod's left neck – and straight into his right pair of eyes. Instinctively, the President moved his right hand to shield his eyes.

"AH! I'M BLIND! Where are my Peril Sensitive Sunglasses when I need them?" Reaching into his pocket, Zaphod pulled out a rather round head with an orange hood covering it. "What the hell?" the head muffled angrily. A nanosecond later another 'SHZOOP!' was heard and everything in the _Heart of Gold_ was set right, again.

"Normality has been re-obtained at 200, Boss! There is now a 1 to 2.73697241366724312 101,000,000 that the Improbability Drive will trigger fifty more times in the next hour, and the odds are against us! So, how're you feeling, Boss? Why not get something from the Drink Synthesizer? He reckons he's got that tea thing down," chirped the computer.

"Dammit, Eddie! Can't you do something to fix that thing? It's messing with my daily routines!"

"Hey, I may be a super space computer installed on one of the greatest ships ever built and still has Styrofoam in some of its hardware – I might add – but I'm not any Hactar, so you fix it!" Eddie exclaimed happily, "Now how about that drink!"

"Just shut-up and hibernate for a while you cheerful hunk of junk," Zaphod commanded frustrated.

"Right-O, Mr. President!" And the soft hum of Eddie's hibernation sequence cut on and his screen went blank. Zaphod then walked over to the main control panel and clicked on the intercom.

"Marvin, wherever you are, I need you to report to the main deck immediately, and hurry! None of that slow moping sorry excuse for a walk, you hear me?"

"I hear you loud and clear, Beeblebrox," Marvin said as he slowly emerged from a shadowy corner on Zaphod's upper left.

"Oh, Marvin," Zaphod coughed, "Didn't see you there."

"No one ever does," the android replied.

"Erm…right." Things remained quite silent after that. Until…

'SHZOOP!'

Marvin's head had turned into a fishbowl complete with water and two goldfish while the main deck became a Vogon Poetry Recital. As the recital began, Zaphod began running around in circles screaming and trying to cover his two sets of ears but that also might've been because of the stream of white doves that flew out of his pants and began to swoop and peck around his heads.

'SHZOOP!' And normality is re-obtained for the ump-teeth time that day.

Marvin remained still and of course uninterested with the whole ordeal while Zaphod, on the other hand, stopped dead in his tracks and immediately collapsed onto the floor trying to catch his breaths.

"Okay, Robot, here's what I need you to do," His left head spoke while his right one continued to pant, "Fix the Improbability Drive before I go completely mad. You've got a big brain, right? Time to put it to some use."

Marvin solemnly raised his head toward Zaphod. "My mind is the size of a small planet, contains over half of the universe's knowledge and continues to process new things everyday, and despite of all the sticky situations we've been through, today turns out to be the day you acknowledge it with words and ask me for my help…I don't know, I'm feeling especially depressed today."

Both of Zaphod's heads erupted into fury, "DAMMIT MARVIN! Now you know as well as I do the Improbability Drive is extremely improbable, the results could be futile! I know that you know how to fix this cursed thing, so hop to it before I stick a fork through your hard drive or something!"

"Ooh, there's an idea!" Marvin sarcastically exclaimed, "Let's all build up the robot's self-esteem with crash threats. As for the fork, I don't mind, this whole Universe would probably be better off without me in it anyway." Zaphod's right head furrowed its brow in frustration and growled.

"Now Marvin, I don't want to play your stupid 'I'm-a-hopelessly-depressed-little-robot-whom-no-one-cares-about' games. Just fix the Improbability Drive so we can both get on with our lives."

"What life?" Marvin replied.

"Why you-," Zaphod began angrily.

'SHZOOP!'

And all across the _Heart of Gold_ appeared shining blue and white disk-shaped portals; all about four feet in diameter. They were on the walls, the ceilings, the floors—

"You see Marvin, I can't go on like this, I—Marvin?" Zaphod looked around, confused. Marvin was no where in sight. "Fine then, you lousy robot, maybe I _will_ do it myS-elf. Go sulk back into your corner for all eternity for what I care."

'SHZOOP!'

"Normality is re-obtained, Boss!" Eddie chirped.

"I thought I told you to-ah, never mind. Pull up the Improbability Drive's Configuration Files, Eddie."

"Right-O, Mr. President!"

But unbeknownst to Zaphod and Eddie, Marvin had fallen through a portal under his feet; and had landed into another galactic dimension far, far away…in a different time as well, perhaps?

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'Blackness…the world around me is silent…Has a so-called God finally allowed me to die?'

POWER ON

SYSTEM REBOOTING

'Nope, never mind, false alarm.' As Marvin's system rebooted, he began to take in his surroundings as he regained his vision.

Lying on his backside, Marvin was able to decipher that: it was night-time, the tall trees surrounding him swirled up to the sky, full and leafy; crickets chirped, frogs leapt and the sound of horse hooves grew louder as they approached in Marvin's direction…wherever he was.

"Ho! What is this we've got here now; an intruder perhaps?"

"Here, Bane, poke it with this stick." Bane took the long stick that was handed out to him and began to poke Marvin repeatedly in the head.

After a while or so of this, Marvin slowly turned his head toward the centaurs and in doing so, the half-horse, half-humans all jumped back in slight shock while Bane's final poke landed on Marvin's state-of-the-art fiberglass eye.

"Do you mind?" He solemnly said, "That's rather annoying."

"It speaks!" One of the centaurs in the herd cried out.

"Poke it again, Bane!" shouted another. Following through with this request, Bane had re-immersed himself with his previous poking routine in Marvin's head.

"Once again, _do you mind?_ That really _is_ rather annoying," Marvin replied after a few more minutes or so.

"Ho! It speaks again!" shouted Ruben whom emerged himself to the front of the herd. "Where dost thou come from shiny, metallic human-like creature with an enormous head?" He called out.

Thoroughly bored and uncaring with this predicament – but going along with these creatures anyway – Marvin turned his head back to its original position in the dirt and gazed up at the stars that were visible through the many trees. Then slowly, he lifted his mechanical arm and pointed his finger to the sky. "I come from up there, strange aliens who inhabit this world with their poking sticks and Old English sense of speaking style."

The centaurs all engaged into immediate whispering/chattering; looking back and forth from up at the sky and to whomever they were talking to in a rather excited state.

"From the Stars, from the Stars, the creature has come to us from the Stars!" A random centaur shouted, "It has come to aid us in answering all of our questions and lead us into a new age of Peace and Enlightenment! Let us see the Dark Lord even _try_ to rise up and rule us now!"

"HAZAAH, who needs that Potter boy, anyway? He's had his whole life with a Prophecy to boot to reign triumphantly and he has yet to make his move! The creature from the stars is clearly a sign that we must do things for ourselves, for no one else can achieve this goal of righteousness," One of the Females shouted.

After a few more minutes, Bane had managed to shush everyone down to complete silence. Then, grinning with sheer anticipation, He returned his gaze upon Marvin and spoke, "So, Metal Man, what is your title?"

Marvin kept still as he spoke, "My title?"

"Yes, your title. We wish to know the title of our savior from the stars," Bane replied.

Marvin gave a single hollow chuckle of no real significance. "I'm surprised you'd even want to know. Most beings just pass me by without so much as a nano-glance. Nobody likes me, so what makes you think you won't end up hating me as well when in reality you're all just like the rest of them; why should I even spare you my name?"

"…Because, we won't leave you alone until you tell us?" Ruben responded unsurely.

"I don't know, I'm feeling exceptionally depressed right now."

"Again…because we _won't_ leave you alone until you tell us," gritted Bane through his wide eyes and smiling teeth.

Marvin whimpered a sigh as he thought about it. After correctly placing all the Universe's known elements within Earth's periodic table, He gave his reply. The time space for this was around 11.20345 milliseconds. 'Hmm, I seem to be running a bit slow today,' He thought. "My name is Marvin." Bane turned his back on Marvin and faced his herd.

"All hail Lord Marvin!" He shouted.

"ALL HAIL LORD MARVIN!" repeated the Centaur herd. Bane turned back around – his herd behind him – and looked at Marvin with an aura of impeccable glee.

"So tell us, mighty Lord Marvin, what is **_The Answer_**?"

"The answer to what?" replied Marvin; even though he knew what Bane was talking about.

"You know, _**The Answer**._ The answer to Life…the Universe…Everything!" said Ruben, trotting up next to Bane. Marvin sighed rather audibly this time.

"I don't know; if I tell everyone that you'll all just hate me even more."

"Er…we don't hate you," piped up one of the random centaurs.

"Yes you do," said Marvin in as-a-matter-of-factly tone, "Everybody hates me. Didn't I sort of just state that earlier?"

"Er, I suppose you did," replied the same random centaur. Things remained a bit quiet between Marvin and the herd for a while, until…

"So, Lord Marvin, about…**_The Answer_**…?" Bane re-began. Marvin lolled his head back over toward the centaurs.

"I'll make you all a deal: If I tell you the answer to Life…the Universe…and Everything does everyone promise to go away and leave me alone for all eternity?" The centaur herd whispered and debated amongst themselves for quite some time. Though, having to have finally agreed on something, Bane rose himself up out of the herd and called out to Marvin.

"Aye, we will; if that is what Lord Marvin truly wants."

"Lord Marvin wants, trust me," said Marvin as he remained in his still position.

"Then in that case you have the Centaurs' Word of Honor!" said Bane raising his right forearm horizontally across his chest; hand palm side down and flat while his left arm was raised as high as it could go with an arrow clutched in its fist. This motion was immediately followed by the rest of the herd.

"Very well then," issued Marvin, "The answer to Life…the Universe…and Everything is," He paused as to observe the centaurs as they held their breaths with anticipation; little beads of sweat forming on the furrowed brows of a select few, "42." The centaurs continued holding their breaths as if expecting for something more to come out of Marvin. "42," the robot repeated.

"42?" asked Bane through his gritted smile

"42," said Marvin. More whispers broke out amongst the herd.

"OF COURSE!" shouted Ruben after a few minutes of thinking, "It's been written in the stars all this time, _right in front of our faces_…42, It all makes perfect sense now! All hail Lord Marvin!"

"ALL HAIL LORD MARVIN!" repeated the herd once more. Then, after everyone had taken their sweet time bidding Marvin their own personal 'Final Farewell', they had kept their Centaurs Word of Honor and headed out deeper into the forest and away from Marvin, never to return again. The herd was reluctantly willing to do so, in any case, they were very upset.

'At least someone figured it out,' thought Marvin. And he put his system into hibernation, and continued to lay in his spot on the ground, unmoving.

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**Naraku's Phoenix:** Chapter 2, He meets Hagrid! Up next week.


	2. Journey to the Giant's Cabin

**Naraku's Phoenix: **Hello readers, and welcome back. Most of this next chapter was written during my Humanities III World Cultures class when everybody else was watching that movie about these two Irelanders leaving their homeland and coming to America for some free land; Oklahoma Territory; come on! All y'all have seen it before, I know you have! Dare you defy me!

And I'd like to give a **SPECIAL THANKS** to my only reviewer **annapooh**. Thank you, it cheered me up considerably.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own HP or Douglas Adams' Hitchhikers.

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**Chapter 2: Journey to the Giant's Cabin**

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"Well now, Fang, what've we got here?" said a muffled voice in the background. Well, not necessarily in the background.

HIBERNATION SEQUENCE ENDING

RESTORING ACTIVE FUNCTIONS

Marvin's vision restored itself just in time to see a big slobbery wet dog face sniffing at his cranium.

"Go away," Marvin blurted.

"Oh my gosh, it's alive!" exclaimed the voice from before. Upon observing the creature that spoke, Marvin had concluded that this hairy manifest looked a little behind on the evolutionary chart…you know, that or he'd never learned to use a comb in his youth. Marvin decided to respond.

"Technically, I'm not _'alive'_, as you so put it. I'm just a depressed little android shunned from the entire universe because nobody likes me…which makes me feel even more depressed than I am to begin with…" No response came from Hagrid. Marvin turned his head to get a better look at the giant. "I'm not getting you down, am I?"

"Er, no, of course not!" said Hagrid trying to manage a small grin. Fang was currently sniffing around the forest floor.

"So you just don't like talking to me, is that it? Well, personally I don't blame you; I don't like talking to me either."

"…Would you like a cuppa tea?" asked Hagrid unsurely.

"…Tea, eh? You wouldn't have happened to known any 'Arthur Dent', would you've?"

"Er…not to my knowledge; no. So, tea then? That's one drink that'll set yeh right," Hagrid offered again.

"…Look at me," replied Marvin, "In case you haven't noticed, or your tiny brain just hasn't picked up the signal yet, I'm a robot, and that means that I don't need food or drink to sustain me – or as you put it, "Set me right." – let alone ingest it in the first place. Therefore, I decline your invitation and bid that you leave me alone." Hagrid stood up straight but kept his head down to keep an eye on Marvin.

"A robot, huh? You mean like those little mechanical people Hermione's got in some o' her books?"

"Er, I…suppose so…Now leave me alone. If you weren't going to leave me by now, you will later on. I'm just trying to keep from us prolonging this insufferable small talk," replied Marvin. Hagrid just stood there and laughed at him.

"Leave yeh alone? No, I don't think so; look at yeh! Yer all covered in dirt. I'm going to take you back to my cabin and clean yeh up a bit. It's not that far off from here, come on now, yeh little bugger." Hagrid then proceeded to throw his crossbow over his shoulder and picked Marvin up bridal-style to carry him off to his cabin. "Come on, Fang! Time to go home now," He called out to his faithful canine companion whom followed obediently. Hagrid then returned his attention back to Marvin as they walked. "Wow, even for a robot yeh've still got a pretty big head," He commented impressively.

"So I've been told," sighed Marvin. A few minutes later, Marvin spoke again. "I can walk, you know." Hagrid just smiled and looked down at him.

"That doesn't necessarily mean you're going to follow me, now does it?"

"…You caught me on that one but you're not necessarily doing me any favors by taking me somewhere against my will."

"What's that now? I don't see yeh tryin' escape," chuckled Hagrid.

"I'm just too morbidly depressed to put up any fights; now that I think about it, I could actually care less about what might happen."

"Well, here we are," said Hagrid. He and Marvin had finally reached the edge of the forest and were greeted by the misty glow of after dawn light. The fog could barely be seen out into the distance, lifting itself up off the lake's tranquil surface. Temporarily putting Marvin down so that he could lean his crossbow and quiver of arrows up against the cabin's outer wall, Hagrid had moved to fill Fang's food bowl, as well, with last night's meatloaf and a splash of Brandy. Hagrid then picked up an old-looking wooden pail from beside the stairs and entered his abode. Marvin stood himself up and reluctantly followed the giant into the hut at his gesture.

Upon reaching inside, Marvin took a seat in one of the enormous chairs at the equally large kitchen table, following another of Hagrid's polite, "make-yourself-at-home", motives. Hagrid, meanwhile, had taken his wooden pail over to the sink and proceeded to fill it up with warm water and soap.

Gathering a worn down yellow sponge and fluffy pink towel from under the sink, Hagrid placed these supplies atop his kitchen table and pulled a separate chair to the outside so as to sit across from Marvin face-to-face. Marvin, however, only hung his head low as Hagrid sat across from him and dipped his yellow sponge into the pail's warm, soapy water. Hagrid took this as an opportunity to start a conversation.

"So how about we introduce ourselves while I get yeh cleaned up, eh? I'm Rubeus Hagrid, keeper of keys and grounds at Hogwarts. I'm also the Care of Magical Creatures Professor; jus' call me 'Hagrid'," He said as he started to scrub the side of Marvin's head. Two more sponge strokes and abruptly, he stopped. "Wait a minute," continued Hagrid, "According to Hermione's books: if yer a robot then that must mean you're muggle-made…," He leered in closer on Marvin, "Say…yer not some sorta' spy sent by a clinically insane muggle who isn't really insane but was just exposed to our secret and thrown in the 'nut-house' trying to convince other muggles to believe him so after faking a mental recovery was released and went back to school earning a Ph.D. in Quantum Mechanics so he could build you to track one o' us down, record our every move and then leave to return to yer creator with proof that'll probably just get him thrown back in the nut-house with the reason that since technology is so advanced these days he faked it and in return won an Oscar Award for his outstanding creations…are yeh?" Marvin was silent for a moment after Hagrid had finished his accusations. Then He whimpered.

"No, I never knew my mum!" Marvin continued whimpering as Hagrid had returned to the task of his sponge bath.

"Phew, that's a relief. Er, I mean, it's sad you never knew yer mum and what-not, but at least I know that me and everyone else around here can trust yeh." Hagrid smiled.

"Funny," said Marvin as he was back to his normal solemn/depressed state, "Usually no one trusts me for even the simplest of things…unless I'm their last resort, of course." Hagrid listened as he re-dipped the sponge back into the pail's soapy water and motioned to clean the front of Marvin's head to the other side. And Marvin continued, "I'm usually just around to take up space or following through a life-form's commands because they're too lazy or cowardly to carry out their own orders."

"Awe, that's sad," said Hagrid.

"You're telling me," replied Marvin.

"By the way, robot-man, I never caught you name."

The android sighed. "It's Marvin."

"Well, Marvin, now we're getting somewhere. So, tell me, where're yeh from?" At this point, Hagrid was behind Marvin now, washing the caked dirt from the Forbidden Forest's floor off the back of his head.

"Somewhere…_out there_," replied Marvin remembering how the centaurs had reacted. Hagrid didn't quite catch his euphemism.

"Oh, all right. I won't push yeh to remember." The giant then moved to scrub the android's metallic arms, and making sure to get all the hard-to-reach places in Marvin's joint sockets as well as between his fingers. "So, how long have you been lying out there on the ground?"

"I don't know," replied Marvin, "How long do you think I was out there?"

"Well…," began Hagrid, "Judging by the amount of dirt yeh were covered in when I found yeh and by the lack of debris covering yer surface, I'd say that yeh've been out there since last night. But that's jus' my guess!" He added on quickly. Finishing his statement, Hagrid moved his position once more and reseated himself in the chair he'd placed in front of Marvin earlier, dipped and lightly rang out his sponge, and began to clean the metal-man's feet.

"Oh yes, now I remember," stated Marvin to none in particular, "I was _exceptionally_ depressed that night."

"Yer sure depressed an awful lot, aren't yeh; what?" Hagrid was now trying to remember a futuristic muggle term he once read over in Hermione's Sci-Fi book, "Were yeh downloaded with some chuckling some sorta wacky emotion chip that backfired in yer system?" 'Something like that,' thought Hagrid. Hearing no response from Marvin, He stopped scrubbing his foot and looked up. Marvin had lifted his head all the way up as to stare at Hagrid eye level; dead on. The silence was deadly.

"I'm a prototype…YOU CAN TELL, CAN'T YOU!" Hagrid became wide-eyed and hurriedly attempted to change the subject as a cover-up for his inadvertent offense.

"So, er, Marvin, besides being really depressed last night, what else do yeh remember?" Marvin calmed back down to his standard depression mode, and Hagrid moved the soapy sponge to Marvin's other foot and leg.

"…Do you enjoy talking to me?" asked Marvin

"Well, it helps to pass the time," replied Hagrid.

"I expected just as much," murmured Marvin.

"What was that?" asked Hagrid, looking up.

"Oh, nothing important, I'm sure," stated the metallic being. Hagrid seemed satisfied with the answer and went back to his cleaning.

"About last night, then?" He reminded Marvin.

"If I must," sulked Marvin, "Let's see, first thing I remember was a herd of human horses poking me in the head with a stick; Centaurs, I believe. Yes, that's what they called themselves."

"Is that so?" said Hagrid. He was halfway through drying Marvin's head with the fluffy pink towel before stopping abruptly. "Wait, CENTAURS? But yeh haven't even got more'n two scratches on yeh!"

"How observant of you. I'm sure that nothing gets past such a being of _your_ status."

"I don't get it! Why'd they let yeh go? Usually they tear trespassers limb from limb and pierce their innards or traumatize 'em with the mother o' all mental breakdowns…WHY'D THEY LET YEH GO!" Hagrid dropped the towel in Marvin's lap and stood before him unbelieving and spazzing out.

"You mean, _"How did I get them to leave me alone?" _We made a deal. I told them the answer toLife, the Universe, and Everything, and they gave me a Centaurs' Word of Honor or something, and vowed to leave alone for…ever," Marvin simply stated. Hagrid on the other hand was running into frenzy.

**"WHAT!** The centaurs' know **_The Answer_**! Tell me…did they understand it?" Hagrid held his breath.

"Naturally," replied Marvin calmly…not the answer Hagrid was hoping for.

Temporarily forgetting Marvin's very existence, Hagrid ran about his cabin, clumsily trying to collect some of his things. Not to mention continuing his panic attack.

"WHAT'RE WE GOING TO DO! THE CENTAURS' KNOW **_THE ANSWER_**! THEY UNDERSTOOD IT, NOOOOOOHOHOHO! THEY'LL BE THE DEATH OF US ALL! GOT TO TELL DUMBLEDORE; WAIT, HE'S DEAD! GOT TO TELL MCGONAGALL! GOT TO TELL THE MINISTY! GOT TO STOP THEM! WHAT TO DO, WHAT TO DO!" Still yelling/screaming curses similar to this, Hagrid ran out of his cabin in no particular direction with his pink umbrella, half his coat on, full of distress, and not even bothering to shut his front door.

"Wow, what a pleasant visit, I had a _wonderful_ time. No, no, you go on ahead now. I'll show myself out," said the stoic android sarcastically.

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**Naraku's Phoenix:** Well, that's it for this chapter. Next time, Marvin plays Quidditch! Well, no, not really…but close enough. I should post it sometime in the week after next.


	3. Wander onto the Quidditch Pitch

**Naraku's Phoenix:** At last, it is time to endure another chapter! Muwahahahaha! cough Um, yeah, anyway…In this chapter I made up the entire Quidditch team. That's not to say that I didn't include any real HP characters, only that I was too lazy to look up any actual team members when I began writing. So, heads up on that. This is the longest chapter I've written so far, and I'm quite proud of it. So enjoy, my minions, enjoy…

I've also found a new comic book that I like – straying from the current subject here – ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY VASQUEZ CREATIONS! That being notified, I'd like to announce that I want to do a JtHM/HP crossover. I don't know why, but I feel a strange force that is coaxing me to do it! Maybe Voldemort could be Squee's real father and Pepito has to train him in the dark arts to learn to take over the family business when its time, and-and Johnny gets curious and follows his little neighbor to the magick realm where he finds out that wizard blood stays wet on the wall longer! Hey, I'm just tossing ideas around. If you know what I'm talking about, here, tell me what you think. If I start writing now, there's a good chance it'll be up by next season or so, hence the vow in my bio. But, then again, chances are that by now, you've already skipped down to the story. And if you're still reading…I appreciate it and hope that you really enjoy this chapter.

Thanks again to my only reviewer annapooh…somehow, this story isn't as much of a hit as I pictured it. Ah, well, time goes on I suppose.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own 'em. How many times must we go through with this?

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**Chapter 3: Wander onto the Quidditch Pitch**

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Marvin surveyed the inside of Hagrid's hut as he finished drying himself off – since no one else was going to do it for him – and politely emptied the soapy water pail down the drain in the kitchen's sink. Standing next to the open front door, the android stalled as he gave the cabin a final once over using his electromagnetic spectrum ray.

"…Yeah, I'm definitely not going to stay here." And with that, Marvin departed out into the healthy green grass and foliage of Hogwarts lawn.

It was empty. Unknown to Marvin, though, it was because since no one had confessed to or ratted out whomever took the time setting up small animal traps all about the school – much to the house elves distress – Headmistress McGonagall had issued a school-wide lock in. This concluded that no student leisure time would be spent outside as well as any Hogsmeade trips until the culprit was caught. Quidditch was still on as a privilege, and the House teams were just simply delighted to find this little loophole in McGonagall's clause. Marvin continued his journey without thinking that this empty lawn was rather unusual for noontime Hogwarts.

While He was walking, Marvin had decided to document his recent happenings into his hard-drive. For future reference, you know.

ACCESSING HARD-DRIVE

ACCESSING LINK TO DOCUMENT DATABASE

OPENING FOLDER: _Things that I absolutely refuse to re-live ever again but chances are I will anyway, so I have these documents to refer to_:

SELECTING NEW DOCUMENT TITLED: pause _Teleportation screw-up Q-27_

_Notes:_

_When coming upon creatures that are half human-half horse (a.k.a. centaurs), _

_Tell them you're from outer space and they worship you; _

_Tell them **The Answer** and they will comply with your every whim to bend at your will. Chances are very probable you will also be granted a noble title._

_Apparently telling the Centaurs **The Answer** is not a good thing. If anyone else finds out you've told them, they go into a mental break-down and forget your existence entirely…Not that that doesn't already happen, but…you catch my drift._

_While giants do differ among different galaxies, through this third up-close observation I can clearly see that all giants are finally beginning to take an interest in full personal hygiene…others' personal Hygiene, anyway. I now have a theory that cleaning other life-forms/artificial life-forms might be giants' way of coping with their own fear of self-grooming. I believe now that most intergalactic beauty parlors will be giant-run as future events progress._

_I have also detected some irritable foreign vibes emitting from this world where I've landed, but eventually, I will confirm something later on if I'm still stuck here…And I will be._

SAVE DOCUMENT

CLOSE

Marvin finished recording these notes and began to observe his new surroundings. He'd been walking the whole time he was documenting and hadn't been keeping track of his path let alone looking ahead of himself to evade any potential doom he might've crossed, but that aside…

A little ways down, the brim of a large, glossy lake could be spotted that was just teeming with wildlife. Not only swimming across the surface or running around its edges, but underneath the water as well. Marvin discovered some rather peculiar-looking marine life using his infrared. One animal, He noticed, looked abnormally large in size, while another seemed to be a strange fish-type creature swimming around with half a human still hanging from its mouth. Discontinuing this sequence, Marvin decided to take note of a closer landmark standing right next to his being.

It was a stadium for something, alright – you could tell from mere sight – and while Marvin still wanted to gather more information for his Teleportation Screw-up Q-27 file, He decided to investigate.

The stadium, He saw, was very tall with high seats that looked like they were painted four different teams' colors and creating the field's oval-shaped outline. The field itself looked very healthy and well kept for as portrayed by the lively green grass and the painted white boundary lines were fresh, neat, smooth, and evenly spaced out; near perfection…for whatever sport or game it was meant for. At the moment, though, Marvin was at a loss, and if he thought he was confused now…

"How many times do I need to go over this?" A random voice suddenly spoke.

"How ever many times it takes for you to put it in words that even the human brain can understand, MacMillan. Look, you're a great captain and everything, but unless you try dumbing it down a bit more for your team, I'm afraid that Hannah's going to gouge your eyes out and rip out your tongue and use it as a cat toy," Another voice explained out of nowhere.

"And don't you dare think I won't!" shouted another bodiless voice. This one, however, was of a higher pitch than the previous two.

"Look, it's very simple," the first voice began again, "To execute formation sequence/game play 'Vector 4,' We need one chaser and one beater to simultaneously be next to each other, no matter how great the distance may be. Then we need the opponent's seeker to be exactly in the middle of that invisible line connecting our said chaser and beater while still staying in play with the game and everyone else. Our chaser and beater will then make the opponent's seeker's job more difficult, such as throwing him of track and what-not. _Now_ do you get it?"

"_Finally_," replied the voice called 'Hannah.' Then she muttered, "On _some _level."

"I don't know, Ernie, do you really think that'll work? I mean, it sounds like we're only going to make _our_ jobs more difficult," A fourth random voice piped up. The first voice replied to this remark and Marvin noted him as this 'Ernie' person.

"Of course it will! We're playing Gryffindor this Saturday and BE DAMNED if we don't give Potter a run for his glory! I've run the schematics and all abnormal possibilities through my friend in Ravenclaw, and He cleared them. We've got a solid 80 chance of kicking arse this weekend!

"What happened to the other 20?" asked the second voice.

"That, my friend, went toward the Gryffindors figuring out our plan and finding a way to interfere with it. That being the case we should probably rotate chasers and beaters every five to ten minutes or so," said Ernie.

Marvin was getting annoyed. Where were these voices coming from! The field was smooth and flat, not a life-form in sight to accompany these disembodied voices. He ran a scan on the field; other than the normal bouts of insects…nothing. Were these beings invisible? No, no; even so, his scan would have picked up traces of their existence. Perhaps they were the minds and souls who've been separated from their physical forms, like that one he'd met with Zaphod when they were deployed on Frogstar World B.

"Hey," called a new voice, "What's that down on the field?"

'So they finally notice me; go figure,' thought Marvin, 'but wait…that new voice said "down"…of course.' Marvin lazily shifted his gaze upward: Coming down toward Him were seven yellow-clad figures on broomsticks.

RE-OPENING DOCUMENT: _Teleportation Screw-Up Q-27_

_Interestingly enough, the species of this world have somehow managed to break the fierce and rabid Broomstick Race unto their complete control. The Fierce and Rabid Broomstick race is of course most know for its role in **"The Fabric Softener Massacre." ** -- The bloody battle, of course, had started when the Broomsticks had talked the hotel maids of Nny Sector J into complaining about their minimum-wage checks._

SAVE DOCUMENT

CLOSE

Brought back to reality, or whatever considering He still didn't know _where_ or _what_ the heck he was in, Marvin took note that the yellow-clad figures and their obedient broomstick slaves were surrounding him in a scattered-looking semi-circle and observing his being with a strange and peculiar distance.

"Does anybody else see what I see?" asked Hannah.

"That robot?" asked Justin, "you betchya." Marvin I.D.'d him as the second voice from before.

"Robot?" asked one of the chasers.

"It's sort of a mechanical human being-like computer made by muggles," replied Justin.

"Oh…What's a computer?"

"See Ernie! All of your confusing Quidditch tactics are giving the whole team coinciding hallucinations! The madness, THE MADNESS!" shouted Hannah with both her hands on either side of her head; she was twitching a bit. Marvin interrupted.

"If you don't mind me asking," Marvin butt in, "how in the Universe did you life-forms conquer the Fierce and Rabid Broomstick Race? I ask merely for information." Ernie jumped back and pointed.

"It said something!"

'Oh, will it never end?' thought Marvin.

"Hey, what do you mean by _'conquered the broomstick race?"_ asked Justin; He held up his broom out front in a horizontal fashion, "Brooms are inanimate objects…not living, breathing souls."

RE-ACCESSING CURRENT DOCUMENT DATABASE

OPENING DOCUMENT: _Teleportation Screw-Up Q-27_

_**Interestingly enough, the species of this world have somehow managed to break the fierce and rabid Broomstick Race unto their complete control. The Fierce and Rabid Broomstick race is of course most know for its role in "**The Fabric Softener Massacre."** -- The bloody battle, of course, had started when the Broomsticks had talked the hotel maids of Nny Sector J, into complaining about their minimum-wage checks.**_

DELETE

_Apparently not all broomsticks are considered as life-forms; as proof is provided by this new world._

SAVE

CLOSE

Turning his attention to Justin, Marvin simply said, "Thank you, your information was most helpful." Meanwhile, Justin was trying to contemplate with his distorted thoughts and features in search for the right words that he wanted to ask Marvin.

"Wait," He finally managed to piece together, "Robots aren't exactly derived from any magical creation…so…what are you doing here at Hogwarts?"

REACCESSING DOCUMENT DATABASE

OPENING DOCUMENT: _Teleportation Screw-up Q-27_

_I have also detected some irritable foreign vibes emitting from this world where I've landed, but eventually, I will confirm something later on if I'm still stuck here…And I will be._

_**Alas…I am at Hogwarts.**_

ACCESSING DOCUMENT: _Teleportation Screw-Up Q-27_

RENAMING TITLE:_ Teleportation Screw-Up Q-27 **(HOGWARTS)**_

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"It's all in the Improbability Factor, life-form, all in the Improbability Factor," replied Marvin as he finished documenting this new information. The Hufflepuff Team stared in puzzlement. "So," continued Marvin, "You say this world is called _'Hogwarts_?_'_ Exactly, what is _'Hogwarts_?_'_ Once again, I ask merely for information." The Hufflepuff Team continued its staring silently, a little less puzzlement here and there. "And no, I'm not some sort of spy sent by a socially accepted, clinically insane – but not really – _'muggle.'_ I have already explained this nonsense to the hairy giant," said Marvin, sighing. He was beginning to determine just _how_ inferior of a species he was dealing with, here.

"Sure, why not?" said Justin who, out of respect, seemed to be the only one willing to talk to Marvin, "Well, first off, Hagrid's not really a giant, not a whole one anyway, he's only half. Next, Hogwarts is a place where young witches and wizards come to learn their magicks. Parents/Guardians/family members of the muggle-born students all know about Hogwarts School – and they're probably the only ones outside the magickal realm who do know – but they've never actually seen it. No non-magick folk ever have…aside from you, now, that is…I suppose," there was a pause, "Now, the question that presents itself to us at the moment is this: 'Are we going to have to kill you, now?' or – perhaps in your case – '_Disassemble_ you?'" Justin finished his little speech with a tiny chuckle; clearly satisfied with his little spit of plagiarized comedy.

"Death is a very grim and solemn event…it depresses me that life-forms such as you like to joke about it," said Marvin calmly. Justin snapped himself into a guilty state.

"Oh…erm, sorry," Justin apologized with embarrassment, "I didn't know that robots even _had_ emotions."

"Well, they sure don't have a sense of humor," muttered Hannah to Ernie. Ernie snickered inaudibly to himself in response. Marvin kept his head tilted toward Justin as he shot back a reply.

"Then perhaps this little mishap should encourage you to think twice next time," said the android. (A/N: I've always liked referring to Marvin as an android instead of a robot.)

"Alright, Finch-Fletchly, you've had your fun. Let's all just leave the talking mirage alone for now and get back to practice; we're burning McGonagall's signed hours, and if we're going to beat Gryffindor at the match this weekend, we're going to need all the practice we can get," said Ernie after he calmed himself down from earlier, "Hufflepuff is going to be the BEST, and only that! That Quidditch Cup will be ours in no time." The rest of the Hufflepuffs seemed to be cheered up by their captain's little pep talk, and encouraged each other on by claiming that Gryffindor would soon face their downfall and utter defeat. Mind you, it was nice when they broke Slytherin's winning streak, but it's high time that Gryffindor had to fall and scrape its knee. The Hufflepuff team was about to take off up into the air again when Marvin decided to re-announce his presence to the world by calling after Ernie.

"That was quite foolish getting their hopes up, you know?" He said. The Hufflepuff team turned their attention back on Marvin as Ernie replied.

"What do you mean?"

"Well," began Marvin, "You promised your teammates that you'd be the best of the greatest, the mere essence of this _'Gryffindor' _downfall…can you really keep all of those promises? Can you ensure your victory or are you just a prophet preaching lies?"

"Look, dude, we've practice our hardest and we'll play our best," Ernie was then cut off.

"But what if Gryffindor's best is better than yours; what if your team is just destined to be the doomed losers of a forgotten realm; do you really think you team has a chance?" said Marvin.

"Well, when Cedric Diggory was here," Ernie was interrupted by Marvin, yet again.

"Ah, but Cedric's not here anymore, is he? It's all you now. You know it, and your team knows it. Know that your screw-ups affect everyone more so than yourself, and that makes you vulnerable; that's your impending weakness.

"No, no it's not! Stop it!" Ernie shouted at Marvin. The young Hufflepuff captain was starting to sweat and getting a bit twitchy. He was nervously looking from side to side, but the android continued on.

"And it will remain as your weakness forever more. Your enemies will soon take note of this fact and use it against you in the worst possible way. You are no leader, life-form, but a coward; a coward who prefers to stand behind someone else with honor and dignity even if that means you have to lose you glory in the process. You are a failure "

"No, you're lying! I'm not a coward; YOU'RE LYING!" Ernie was on the verge of some major tears right about now. However, Marvin continued uninterrupted.

"and you will always be a failure and you know it. You watch from the sidelines as all of your peers – even the ones you once thought yourself to be superior to – move on and accomplish all of their dreams. Sure, you have a wife and child yourself, but they leave you just as soon as the cowardice in you presented itself and you ran from the fight leaving behind all your loved ones to endure the task sufferably"

"SHUT UP! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!" shouted Ernie at the top of his lungs. Panicked, he threw his broom aside and ran off of the Quidditch field – stumbling over himself as he turned around to take one last look at Marvin, pointing and shouting, "I'm not like that! Damn you; damn all your lies! I'll never run away! I'm going to be something great, you'll see! YOU'LL ALL SEE!" And at last Ernie was out of sight. Shocked, Hannah turned to Marvin and yelled at him.

"What the hell did you do to him! Ernie's a great captain!"

'How come no one wants to say _"What the heaven?"_ or _"By heaven I'll"_ It's unusual in some manner, I suppose,' thought Marvin. But then he remembered that Hannah had yelled at him and decided to respond. "If what you said is true, dearie, then why did he just abandon his teammates and run away instead of staying to confront me through the end?" Hannah stuttered.

"Well, er, d-ah, see"

"And aren't you a little too old to be wearing your hair like that?" said Marvin gesturing to Hannah's pigtails as the girl had failed to give a good, let alone sensible, response, "Or perhaps your father is mentally ailed and all you can do to preserve his stability is to keep him in a mind lock by convincing him that you are still a small child. But no, that's not it; you are just one of those beings who embarrass themselves by never acting your age. People talk about you behind your back and only _pretend_ to be your friends. They say _"Be yourself"_ but they never really mean it; never" By now, Hannah had burst into tears and followed Ernie's suit: she threw her broom down on the ground and ran off the field.

"Wait, Hannah!" one of the other teammates shouted, and she followed her blonde friend out, broomstick in hand.

"You," Marvin directed at a rather stocky-looking third-year, "What's your name?"

"Er, Calvin," the boy replied almost dumbfounded. He soon regretted this notion, though, as he began to wonder what exactly the metal man would have in store for him.

"So, Calvin, who do you live with?" questioned Marvin. And Calvin felt strangely obliged to answer him after quickly remembering Ernie being called a coward. (A/N: Heads up, readers, this thought occurred to me while watching a frootloop commercial.)

"My-my two brothers and I live with our Uncle Gene over in Leeds during the summer a-and such."

"Why do you live with your uncle?" asked Marvin. His tone was plain but his words were sharp, "Was it because your parents didn't love you? Is _'Uncle Gene'_ really even your uncle? Were you and your siblings shameful burdens put unto his care so long as your street performances kept paying well enough to keep your uncle in his daily supply of alcohol and skirt?"

For no reason at all Calvin suddenly seemed to have developed a sharp case of the hiccups. You know the ones. The ones that pierce your chest with so much pain that you're completely immobile; trying to remember how to breathe until those agonizing split seconds end up passing on their own and you end up feeling the healthiest you've ever been until another one arises itself and sends you straight back to the ground. Calvin's legs also seemed to have morphed into a gelatin-like state, rendering him to use his Cleansweep as his only support which kept him hovered about four feet from the ground, and he leaned forward on the handle to settle his stomach on the slim piece of wood. Bobbing through the air at a relatively slow pace; having only one destination. Marvin remained silent along with what was left of the Hufflepuff team as if patiently waiting for the boy's arrival. Calvin raised his head to look at Marvin or, in fact, nothing at all as his eyes were void of all but blankness, only adding a nauseous look to his current sickly features.

"My-my hic parents _do_ love us…they hic just wanted us to have better…"

"Is that why they let you live with an alcoholic, so you can have better?" asked Marvin, "And don't try to pull that "he-was-your-last-living-relative" bit. You have already referred to your parents in the present tense." Calvin began to leak a few tears. Marvin wasn't trying to be mean. He only wanted to state what he thought was the obvious.

"WHAT THE **HELL** ARE YOU?" screamed Calvin as loud as he could in Marvin's face. And just like that snap, He jerked his broom upward and shot himself like a bullet up and over the stands, laughing like a maniac with teary eyes and no real smile on his face.

"A waste of space, according to most," replied Marvin even though Calvin was long gone, 'There they go using _'hell'_ again.'

Thus, only three Hufflepuffs remained. The remaining girl pulled her Nimbus 2000 tight into her chest hunching her shoulders and lowering her head; choking back tears and mucus as her knees began to buckle. Justin and the other teammate, David, quickly rushed to her side in hopes of at least _some_ form of comfort before she broke down entirely and ran off like the others.

"LIFE SUCKS!" She screamed to the world.

"_Life_, don't talk to me about _life_," said Marvin. And off the field He went, dragging his feet. The remnants of the Hufflepuff team left in distress.

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**Naraku's Phoenix:** Ah…yes, quite a lot of work was put into this chapter. Let's see, what can I reveal about next time? Oh, yeah! Just how bad a shape did Marvin really put the Hufflepuffs in? Join me next time to find out!


	4. Shattered Badgers

**Naraku's Phoenix:** Not a Marvin oriented chapter, but it sure leads to one.

**Disclaimer:** As much as it pains me from the inside, I don't own anything Hitchhiker or Harry Potter related…unless you count that Marvin shirt I drew.

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**Chapter 4: Shattered Badgers**

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Later that evening, Hufflepuff's Quidditch Team had confined themselves to a small table in the emptiest corner of the Common Room they could find. With some difficulty, the seven of them had managed to crowd around it with the Fat Friar's ancient, spindly, wooden dining chairs that had high backs and tattered velvet, moth-eaten seat covers. For the time being, they'd do. Earlier that day with even MORE difficulty, it had taken Justin and Daniel nearly fifteen minutes before they could calm Molly down enough so that she could walk on her own and help them recover the rest of their emotionally unstable teammates.

The first one they found was Hannah; sitting on the ground crying her heart out with her knees pulled up to her chest and her braids horribly undone. The friend that had run after her - Jasmine - was sitting on the ground as well – silent and blank-eyed – with her arms around her friend.

Next was Calvin, and boy did _he_ lose it. He was found swooping in and out of the Whomping Willow, hitting it and laughing in a maniacal fashion as the tree tried to hit him back. He was shouting things like, "LIES, LIES! BURN IN HELL WITH ALL YOUR LIIIIEEEEEESSS!" and "YOU WON'T GET TO ME, YOU LITTLE FUCKER!" Whether he was referring to the tree or robot…who really had the time to find out? It took over an hour and some really skillful quidditch moves to capture Him. Luckily, Daniel had remembered that he'd had his wand up his sleeve and was able to perform, _"Petrificus Totalus!"_ as soon as Justin was able to hold Calvin down in place for more than two seconds after tackling him airborne and crashing down into the ground with him.

Ernie was the hardest to locate. He'd been the first to leave, so he'd had the most time to go and run off somewhere far. And unlike the others who'd been found by voice, Ernie was nearly inaudible. But only just. The Quidditch captain was eventually found underneath Hagrid's hut behind four raw smelling stock barrels curled into a fetal position in the moist and mossy earth. He was muttering insanities and paid no heed to Justin's and Daniel's presence – Molly had taken Calvin over to where Hannah and Jasmine were – and it took nearly two hours for Ernie to be snapped back into reality and another twenty minutes for Justin and Daniel to guide him to the rest of their teammates after finally pulling him out from under the cabin. Upon abandoning his shelter, Ernie had remained completely silent from there on out.

This was how he remained at the present moment. Hannah had stopped crying by now and Jasmine – who had regained some sort of sparkle in her eye – was helping her brush out her hair. Calvin had had the counter curse performed on him and his lunatic outbursts were momentarily ceased so long as Molly kept an arm around him. Daniel had reduced himself to engraving doodles with components of his pocket knife into surface of the poor table's aged wood. Justin found himself mentally claustrophobic and couldn't seem to think straight, let alone move a muscle without coming in contact with one of his teammates' person. The lot of them had skipped dinner.

Other Hufflepuffs in the Common Room kept their distances from them. None of them had heard about the previous incident. All they saw was their Quidditch team huddled cramped and close together. The assumption that was made was that the team _must_ be writing out more plays or secretly talking out tactics for the match on Saturday. And of course everyone knew better than to interrupt _that_. But even so, the team wanted to be alone, anyway, to think…or not. Any annoyance brought on by their fellow Housemates might stir up something dreadful, and that something was their main priority, Calvin. A few more moments had passed before anyone actually spoke…and ironically enough, it was Ernie.

"Look at us…this is pathetic," He paused trying to suck back any upsetness that tried to surface itself, "Whatever happened…I don't know."

"I know what happened," spoke up Hannah, "A mean, metal man made us all feel bad and drove us insane."

"And even though," whispered Calvin, softer still, "even though some of what he said were lies, _it still drove me over the edge._ And it makes me wonder, for the first time ever, why my parents won't take us back already. It's been thirteen years, now. Whatever forced them to give us up back then…it should have cleared up by now, shouldn't it have? They…write to us _all the time…It doesn't make sense anymore…"_

Justin overlooked his teammates as each of them spoke. His eyes eventually landed on Daniel's table etching. **_"Why?"_** it read.

'Why?' thought Justin. Why was this happening and why did it have to happen to them, let alone at all in the first place? Justin went back to observing his disheveled teammates before coming to a conclusion:

"We have to forfeit," explained Justin quietly.

"What!" whispered Ernie unbelievably as though someone had just hit him over the head with a slapstick, "Hasn't my reputation of being a failure suffered enough?" All voices were kept low for the sake of their peers.

"See, that's what I'm talking about!" said Justin, "You never used to think you were a failure; not until that robot showed up…Look at us! Ernie, you've lost all you self-confidence; Hannah, what's so bad about pigtails, eh? You're the most innocent girl that anyone could ever meet, so it works for you! And Calvin…I don't really know all that much about you, but usually when someone insults Ron's family, he sucker punches them like there's no tomorrow just like any other normal person would…not to say that you're not normal, but…look how that-that _thing_ made you react! There's just no way we'll be in any stable condition to play…We have no other choice _but_ to forfeit." A few minutes were needed to allow Justin's words to sink in. Daniel closed his pocket knife.

"We've got an hour before curfew," spoke up Jasmine for the very first time, "Let's go ahead and catch Professor Sprout before she goes to bed."

"No…," Ernie begins hyperventilating, "We can't…," His breathing gets heavier, "As Captain I will not stand for it!" Ernie's hyperventilation becomes uncontrollable.

"Whoa, Ernie! Somebody help him!" shout-whispered Justin. At his words, Hannah released the grip on her hairbrush – which dropped to the table's surface with a soft thunk - and grabbed Ernie by the forearm to keep him still while she simultaneously began rubbing his back with her other hand to calm his breathing. The Common Room's other occupants noticed some commotion from this, but the Quidditch members were so closely cramped together and hushed-like, that none could tell what was going on.

"Now, Ernie," said Justin as calmly as he could after their captain settled down, "I'll try to explain this again: We. Can't. Play. Besides, we don't really know where that robot came from or how it even got here. For all we know, it could show up at the match."

"Yeah," agreed Daniel, "That would only throw everybody off and all our hard training would go down for nothing. You don't want that for your team, do you?" Ernie contemplated these words while he was staring blankly into infinity. Though, that had nothing to do with the extra fifteen minutes to finally convince him. The team then changed out of their Quidditch robes and headed back outside toward the green houses (A/N: So they're the ones who're encouraging Global Warming!); and Professor Sprout's office ten minutes later.

Professor Sprout was moving about her office feeding the The-extremely-dangerous-slash-weird-looking-carnivorous-plant-whose-scientific-name-is-too-complicated-for-anyone-to-actually-pronounce so that it wouldn't get its midnight snack craving and gnaw on her head like last time. Finishing up, She put on a pot of tea and was about to change for bed when a knock at her front door decided otherwise. Some-what annoyed but far from showing it, Professor Sprout opened the front with a bright smile upon her face.

"Good evening," She said, "What can I do for you?" Her happy expression transformed into one of confusion as she saw all the members of her House team stand before her looking as glum as ever. "Er, hello, what's going on, dearies? If it's about the match I'm sure" Professor Sprout was then interrupted by Justin who was voted in earlier as his team's news breaker.

"Actually, Professor, it is…you see…we want to forfeit." Professor Sprout's eyes went wide.

"What! Surely you don't mean; b-but all the practice you've all put in, the determination! All that competitive edge and trash talk we threw at them! Gryffindor never knowing what hit 'em as we pried that Quidditch Cup from their BUTT-KICKED FINGERS!" Professor Sprout took a moment to calm down and catch her breath. The team members gaped in shock rather than cower in fear as their normally sweet and happy-go-lucky teacher screeched her butt-kicking motives. Daniel, the only other emotionally stable persona, took over Justin's position.

"Erm…Professor?"

"giggled Oh, sorry about that, dearies, I just don't know why you all would want to give up. That's certainly frowned upon us toiled Hufflepuffs, you know." Professor Sprout had now completely returned to her public state. "Again, why would you want to forfeit? Hufflepuff team hasn't done so for 537 years!" (A/N: "Alex was here")

"Erm…Professor, due to some…recent…," Daniel paused, looking for the right word, "_events_, we have decided that – much to everyone's displeasure – our team is in no stable condition to play."

"No condition? Nonsense! All of you"

"Again Professor," interrupted Daniel, "No _stable_ condition." He made sure that he'd dragged that statement out.

"But what could possible deter you away so suddenly?" Professor Sprout had stepped away from her door frame and stood in front of her team from the outside. Her hands were on her hips and her features thoroughly gave way to her frustration and confusion. Unbeknownst to the Professor, though, as she was too transfixed on her students, a rather peculiar event took place behind her back where the Whomping Willow was in view. This, of course, caused the Hufflepuff team to take good notice of:

Marvin shlumped up to the Whomping Willow and attempted to collapse at its roots when one of the tree's branches had swung down, picked Marvin up, and smacked him far out into the distance like one does when playing baseball by themselves.

"Ah…My diodes," cursed Marvin barely audible, and a loud 'SPLASH!' followed thereafter. The robot incident had shown up fresh in everybody's mind:

Molly burst out crying.

Hannah slowly walked backward and anxiously began running her fingers through her hair even though her pigtails were in absence.

Ernie fell back and began rolling himself back and forth across the ground with his eyes tightly closed and hands over his ears screaming, "I'm not a failure, I'm not, I'M NOT!"

Calvin shudders Ooh, Calvin...

"LIES! ALL LIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSS!" He shouted to no one in particular. Justin and Daniel immediately got hold of him.

Professor Sprout began to panic just as the tea inside her house/office began to whistle. She and Jasmine pulled out their wands and subdued the inflicted with the full body bind spell. Then, with the help of Daniel and Justin, they hauled the bodies up to the Hospital Wing after sending an owl to Madame Promfrey to let her know what exactly was on her way; all the while Professor Sprout was thinking, 'Was it something I said!'

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**Naraku's Phoenix:** The next chapter's my favorite, Marvin gets to swim! And it's a pretty long one to boot. Hooray for me! I'm updating on March 23; don't forget it!


	5. Swimming With the Merpeople

**Narakus Phoenix: **Heehee! This is my personal favorite chapter! For this chapter I'm going to use the interpretation of a grindylow that I got from the book! I never expected they'd be half-octopus/squid in the movie WHICH by the way would have fared better at twelve hours instead of two and a half. Now, the bulk of this chapter was written when my history class was supposed to be watching "Glory." We wanted "Gone With the Wind" where we'd pay more attention and not do our math homework or write stories like these when it was playing, but our teacher argued that it was just too long. What can we say? Our entire curriculum, like our textbooks, was written by the winners. But our teacher caved anyway when "Glory" finished playing and we still had half an hour left in class, so she let us watch 8 scenes she thought were important, and afterwards Patrick invited the class to an all nighter at his house so we could finish it. And before I forget…

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY, IT'S MY BIRTHDAY! I'M AN ARIES, IN THE FIRST HOUSE, SEVENTEEN NOW! OH YEA, GO ME! ahem

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Harry Potter, I don't own Hitchhikers, and for the first time ever, I get to say that I don't own Nickelodeon.

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**Chapter 5: Swimming With the Merpeople**

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'Fragile beings, they are,' thought Marvin as he left the Quidditch Pitch, 'Rude, too.' From thereon out, He took to wandering absentmindedly through the empty castle grounds to the Forbidden Forest and then back out. By the time He'd re-emerged from the forest, it was near dusk. The sun wasn't visible in the sky, but you could still sense its light emitting from the heavens as the stars and purple night sky approached from the eastern horizon. Coming back to his artificial senses, Marvin spotted a tree not too far off and decided that it was as good a place as any to collapse and not move for all eternity…well, as long as he felt like anyway. But the second Marvin had barely touched one of the roots that were protruding above the ground with his left foot, the tree had swung down one of its branches, picking Marvin up, and chucked him across the grounds letting inertia took over.

"Ah…My diodes," He cursed. Then, not a split second later, SPLASH! And into the lake he goes.

ACTIVATING: SILICATED AQUATIC SKIN

HYDROSONIC BI-PEDAL SOLES: POWERED

SUBMERGED OCULAR PHOTON BEAMS: 3, 2, 1…ON

A world full of splendor and algae gave way to Marvin as his body adjusted itself to fit in with his new environment. The soles of His feet were keeping him afloat and steady while the light emerging from his eyes shone like headlights through the lake's murky depths.

'It's _always_ me, isn't it?' thought Marvin as he surveyed his surroundings.

SWOOSH; something just swam past him! Oh, wait, never mind. It was only a clump of seaweed. As a matter of fact, as Marvin analyzed the sub-aquatic plant species and obtained the water's current configuration, he bobbed to the right for some distance and went further downward. Just as He figured, mass clumps of seaweed were floating around in groups. One clump always near another, but never close enough that they touched. Marvin triggered his infrared again to detect to possible life-form or two and directed it at the closest clump of seaweed he saw.

The reading came through revealing a small and horrid corpse-like outline with vampric/gargoyle-like clawed fingers flexing in and out of its curdled, crumpled body. A rather disgusting sight, one might say. It fidgeted. So the creature _knew_ Marvin was there; positioning itself to attack in case his prey had decided to come any closer.

'Highly improbable; I'd hate to see what that thing _really_ looks like,' thought Marvin. Though he did little to take notice of yet another seaweed clump, which had floated up from the lake's seemingly infinite bottom and coming to a halt right behind his back; a fresh home had been made to accommodate the newest of its devilish species. Marvin shifted his body weight around 180 degrees and bent his right leg into a 90 degree angle allowing the powered hydrosonic bi-pedal sole to move him forward in that direction. As if you don't know what happens next.

"What the- oh, Good Lord! You're hideous!" shouted Marvin as was engulfed by the new seaweed clump, "No, don't turn around! Ahhhggh!" He gagged, "Ugh, I just want to kill myself!"

The creature pulled Marvin forward and stretched out the robot's left arm and proceeded to curl its hideous, yellowing fangs around the sturdy metal alloy. _Crack…_

The grindylow had then furiously shoved Marvin outside of its premises, whimpering and trying to salvage the broken teeth before the newer, duller ones could move in and replace the old, sharpened beauties which, in return of course, weren't so sharp or beautiful anymore. Marvin, on the other hand, was quite relieved to have escaped the impossibly ugly creature; panting in such a way that it was of near human quality.

Steadying himself as much as he could, Marvin retreated from the grindylows' hub and sailed himself northwest through undisturbed waters for some ten minutes or so. Extra plant-life emerged from here and there, but Marvin wouldn't go as much as three feet near it without running his infrared. As the scan cleared, He journeyed onward to anywhere **but** somewhere meaningful; his database to keep him in his miserable company.

ACCESSING SHORT-CUT TO DOCUMENT DATABASE

OPENING DOCUMENT TITLED: _Teleportation Screw-Up Q-27 **(Hogwarts)**_

_5. Hogwarts' plant-life has been identified as either extremely cautious or null. I find it wise to check for life-forms residing in their aquatic bowels out of fear that they shall be as exceedingly ugly as my previous encounterer. Though, out of the other marine life I've so crossed thus far, the crumpled forms in the seaweed seem to be the only ones. I passed by a magnificent giant squid not too long ago as well as some brightly – and not so brightly – coloured fish species as well as some pleasant electrical eel – surprisingly even by my standards – which gave me a good recharge when I move to smack them out of my way. Though as time drags on, I am becoming increasingly bored with this activity and wonder how many years I shall spend wandering amongst my new environment with no real meaning, only mass. Well, this is nothing new. Only expected._

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"Abandoned, desolate mass. Unwillingly brought into existence, like everything else I presume. I am depressed and alone and…that suits my being's just." spoke Marvin.

"Heeheehee," a voice giggled, "Just like me, isn't it, but I do have to say that I enjoy company every now and then. Ooh, pretty eyes; I like you!"

"Halt, who goes there?" questioned Marvin. He immediately looked toward the surface, "Show yourself," He commanded.

"Over here on your left, you silly whatever-you-are." The voice giggled again as Marvin turned his head to look into the indicated direction. He saw nothing.

RUNNING INFRARED SCAN:

LIFE-FORMS DETECTED: inferior aquatic bacterium

SEARCHING FOR OTHER LIFE-FORMS

OTHER LIFE-FORMS; SEARCH 'NULL'

"Liar," said Marvin sullenly and soft, "But congratulations. Your attempt to make me more depressed has worked on some level if not the one you were hoping to obtain." In response, the voice only kept giggling.

"Heehee; Turn down your eyes, silly." Marvin obliged to this new command out of habit.

ACCESSING HARD-DRIVE

SELECTING DRIVE: bodily functions

OPENING OCULAR OPERATIONS PROGRAM

SELECTING CATEGORY: Submerged Ocular Photon Beams

DECREASING POWER: 100...90...75...70...60...55...45...

DECREASE COMPLETE

CLOSE PROGRAM

EXIT HARD-DRIVE

As Marvin's eye light faded down, he found that he was indeed accompanied by another presence of sorts: A rather glum-looking girl, she was, clad in a uniform with her hair pulled back into pigtails and thick glasses so huge that it nearly magnified her eyes from an onlooker's point of view. And though fresh tear marks stained the poor girls face, she was smiling; standing upright with her feet turned in and her arms bent bringing her hands up to her mouth which was absentmindedly chewing and biting at the nail of her left thumb.

"Much better, now, don't you think?" said the girl as Marvin's eyes went into low-beam. "My name's Myrtle. What's yours?" Myrtle spoke in a meek little high-pitched voice.

"Er…Marvin," replied the android.

RE-RUNNING INFRARED SCAN

LIFE-FORMS DETECTED: inferior aquatic bacterium

SEARCHING FOR OTHER LIFE-FORMS

OTHER LIFE-FORMS; SEARCH 'NULL'

"Heehee," Myrtle kept giggling, "That tickles." Marvin ignored her.

"My sensors indicate that your life is 'null,' yet here you are standing before me. How is this possible?" indicated Marvin. Myrtle dropped her grin and burst into tears.

"Tactless; TACTLESS!" she roared, "Remind me of my loss **AGAIN**, why don't you! Make me run off and cry so you can join all the others and make fun of me behind my back! After all, no one ever says anything _nice_ about poor, miserable, moping, moaning Myrtle; that they don't," she sniffed, "Quite **_horrible_**," she screeched, "Don't you think?" Myrtle finally proclaimed as if she was trying to show off in some way.

"Yes, quite," replied Marvin, 'So she's a spirit,' he thought finally figuring it out. Myrtle suddenly became overjoyed and floated over next to Marvin and started speaking again, though; it was almost flirty-like this time.

"I've never seen anything like you swimming in the lake before. What's your story, Marvin?" asked the gleeful ghost. Marvin looked at Myrtle and noticed that she was "resting" her head on his mechanical shoulder.

"…Zarking tree chucked me in not too long ago; nearly threw my diodes out of whack, again."

"Oh, you poor thing," cooed Myrtle, "But it's a new record for the Whomping Willow, though. I think that this is the farthest that it's ever hit something. As for me, someone flushed my toilet, again."

"Your _'what'_?" asked Marvin.

"I died in that very spot, you know," continued Myrtle, ignoring Marvin's remark, "Rather dreadful, it was, and not on my best day either…like I've ever had any good days at school to begin with. All the girls were really mean to me, _especially_ **Olive Hornby**!" Myrtle spat, "If she was never mean to me, then I might still be alive!

"Pity," stated Marvin flatly.

"Tut tut," said Myrtle, "'Tis it 'tis." Her ghostly figure snuggled in deeper on Marvin, "Ever time I think about it, it makes me sad. Makes me cry and I feel hurt all over my inside."

"I'm dead on the inside, too, figuratively speaking, and it'll never go away," said Marvin.

"Ooh," Myrtle softly cried in her high-pitched voice; seemingly putting her arms around Marvin in what appeared to be like a comforting hug. Then she released her hold and quickly moved her position back in front of the android, smiling and _giggling_, again. Oh, how he hated that giggling.

"You're my new friend!" she said before swooping back in on Marvin and hugging his arm. Marvin only looked at her before drooping his head downward on his own feet and sighing.

"If I must," He said. Myrtle only giggled some more when not too far off from the pair's current location, the faint sound of an angelic chorus sweetly singing echoed through the waters.

_Bring me still waters_

_To a place that I know_

_We praise Lord Poseidon_

_Guardian of our souls_

Marvin cocked his head toward the music. Myrtle noticed this and said, "Would you like to see them?" She re-released her grasp on Marvin once more and floated off toward the music, only to look back and see that he remained unmoved from his spot. "Come now, don't be shy," encouraged Myrtle, "We're not going to get too close, anyhow. Merpeople are particularly rude, you see; always chase poor Myrtle off, that they do." She nodded her head and kept urging Marvin to follow until, finally, he did. That damn giggling! It was the only way to end it…or so he thought. But for the time being, it worked.

The two of them then swam further down and deeper into the lake – and through more seaweed to Marvin's disgust – when, at last, an underwater village came into a clearer view, and the singing had grown immensely in volume the closer that they swam. Myrtle and Marvin ended their journey by stopping and lying down on their stomachs at the edge of a rocky cliff that overlooked the Merpeople's town. Marvin observed their activities.

RE-ACCESSING SHORT-CUT TO DOCUMENT DATABASE

OPENING DOCUMENT: _Teleportation Screw-Up Q-27**(Hogwarts)**_

_6. Merpeople – as this Myrtle ghost calls them – aren't a species entirely unlike the centaurs, being half-human as well. Though, instead of the other half being a horse, the other half of the creature is fish. Some of them continue to sing as others go about their possible daily routines. They are also crucially frightening, but in being so, are exceptionally ugly as well. Not as ugly as those other things, but still pretty ugly. Oh, what's this? It seems that one of those ugly monstrosities is tied up next to a merperson's home. I must do something about this; as if the suicide rate isn't high enough already._

SAVE DOCUMENT

CLOSE

"Hey!" Myrtle whispered, "I thought I said not to get too close!" Marvin ignored her and kept all his focus on his newest goal: revenge on the hideous grindylow.

Dropping down the plant-ridden rock, Marvin drifted into the Merpeople's village. Openly drifting with his targets locked onto the evil grindylow. He went unnoticed by the villagers at first, due to his color scheme which was unintentionally camouflaged to match the color of the sun-reflected water. But at Marvin neared the house where the grindylow was currently tied up at – nearing two feet from it, about – four merpeople swam out and surrounded him, pushing the robot back a bit as the rush of water forced from the powerful fish tails came forward. The mermaid in front of Marvin had a trident and raised it to the android's throat.

"AwAy WitH YoU!" it screeched.

"Clearly you're not part of the choir," responded Marvin. The mermaid pushed the trident further into his throat.

"HOw'D yOU kNoW tHaT?" it screeched again.

"You know…I just don't know" said Marvin sarcastically. The tied up grindylow started moving about. It was jumping up and down trying to catch a floating bit of seaweed that was swirling around. Marvin saw this and was sure that if her were a life-form, he would have wanted to puke. He tried to lunge forward wanting to get rid of it, but to no avail. The mermaid in front kept the trident at his throat, and the others grabbed hold of his body, keeping him from escaping; one had its arms wrapped tightly around Marvin's legs and waist, the other two had their hands wrapped around his wrists and pulled his arms behind his back. The one that held Marvin's left arm continued doing so with only her right hand while her left arm curled around to his front and put palm pressure onto the flat area where his diaphragm would be located if he were human. More merpeople in the village were beginning to crowd around and watch the scene. Some had their own tridents raised as well just in case a time called for it.

"WhAT BusInESs dO yoU HaVe?" interrogated the screechy mermaid. Marvin winced at the intensity of the horrible voice, but kept his focus on the grindylow ahead while fidgeting and trying to speak at the same time.

"Must…destroy…the horribly hideous…ugly demon!" he got out. The crowd of merpeople gasped.

"'Tis a savior come to fight Theighadorei (Thay-a-door-ey) and free us from his terrible shame!" one of the civilians proclaimed, raising her trident.

"NOOOOOO!" cried Marvin in an almost child-like whimpering. No one else took notice, however, as their own cheers drowned out his cry.

RE-ACCESSING CURRENT SHORT-CUT TO DOCUMENT DATABASE

OPENING DOCUMENT TITLED: _Teleportation Screw-Up Q-27**(Hogwarts)**_

_7…On second thought, merpeople are exactly like centaurs. Lazy gits can't even band together and solve their own problems; have to wait for someone else to show up and do it for them. I pity these creatures._

SAVE DOCUMENT

CLOSE

As Marvin finished his documentation, he found that the hostile merfolk had released him and were now in a crooked circle surrounding him and were temporarily bowing down before him. The screechy mermaid rose and the others soon followed suit.

"CoMe, FeLLoW CiTiZenS, LeT uS TAkE hIm To ThE bAtTle aReNa TO fIgHt oUR sOrRoWs!" At these words, the crowd increased its cheering and kept going until they felt it was time to die down. As it did, one of the mermen spoke up.

"Wait, we have a battle arena?"

The screechy mermaid lowered her head and fidgeted with her trident. "Er, nO…tO ThEiGhaDoReI's CaVerN, ThEn!" she finished valiantly; the people cheered some more and hoisted Marvin up onto their shoulders and proceeded to carry him out of the village.

"Hey, put me down, you fish things. Hey, hey, I'm not in the mood," said Marvin. But no one else paid mind. Back off in the distance Myrtle remained in her spot, perched upon the cliff.

"Poor Marvin," she said sadly. Then her eyes suddenly lit up and gleamed with delight, "Let's just see them throw me out _now_." Myrtle giggled and floated down to the recently deserted area all giddy and hyper-like while she zoomed in and out of the merpeoples' homes. "Ha ha, I'm in your room!" she bragged like an annoying little sister.

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Marvin was carried a way's away to an even darker, cluttered region of the bottom of the lake where the marine-life was suddenly becoming more ominous and sparse. Eventually they came to an enormous, jagged cavern that was covered in brittle plant-life growing from the outer cracks where the little fish came to feed. The merpeople who were carrying Marvin emerged from the crowd and approached the mouth of the cave, stopping almost right in front of it and putting their hands upon His shoulders as they set him down; their eyes tearing with pride and joy like a parent whose child just accomplished something great. They stood straight up, shoulders back, and smiled.

The interior of the cave was foggy at the opening and growing pitch black further down inside. The screechy mermaid furiously swam in front of Marvin's group with one beat of her tail stopping abruptly. She then did a 360 degree, counter-clockwise spin that lifted her upward 150 feet or so, just enough to overlook the entire cavern.

**"ThEiGhADoREi! EmERgE fRoM YoUr SkUdGe aNd SHoW yOuRs-ELf!"**

Silence, until…

"ARRRGGGHHH!" The ground shook and quaked as the voice vibrated so much that it seemed to break the balance of nature. "WHO GOES THERE?"

**"'TiS ThE RaCE tHaT yOu'VE So ShAmeD!"** the mermaid bellowed back.

"HAST THOU CIVILIZATION COME FORWARD TO FORGIVE ME?" asked Theighadorei curiously.

**"QuItE tHe OpPoSItE, YoU fOoL! FoR tOdAy, We, ThE MeRPeOpLe oF tHe BlaCk LaKe, SeNd In AfTEr YoU A TrAiNeD cHAmpIon wHom SeEkS tO sTrIkE aT yoUr SmItEd BlOod, aS wE, _yOur PeOplE, _hAvE sO tRiED iN tHe PaSt!"**

"Theighodorei is a merperson?" asked Marvin who in reality was thoroughly uninterested.

"Was, strange creature," replied the merman who had Marvin's left shoulder, "Was." The merman looked sullen, "He has done something that we can never forgive him for; not in this life or the next…and if there's another one after that we still wouldn't forgive him!" The merman looked angry now but continued talking with as much sternness as he could possibly muster and his lip quivered, "So, so we banished him to spend the rest of eternity, here, in this cavern."

**"NoW pRePaRE yOuRseLf, yoU fIeND, as we SeNd In…"** The mermaid paused abruptly and quickly swooshed downward next to Marvin, "Psst, Hey kid, whAt's yOuR naMe?" she whispered.

"Bob, my name is Bob," sighed Marvin. Without replying, or even giving so much as a thank you, the mermaid swirled back upward over the cavern and bellowed, **"SeND iN bOB!"** The crowd immediately cheered in response and as they noticed Marvin wasn't moving, picked him up and threw him far, far down inside into the cavern's shadowy depths.

45 minutes later…

CRASH! And there goes Marvin…right through the upper cavern wall and flying rapidly towards the surface.

After breaking through the Lake's surface, Marvin was able to decipher that it was still nighttime across Hogwarts. His system began to falter and he blacked out into automatic reboot. It is here that he begins to bob, or rather more so, just his head, atop the waters in only god knows what direction. His internal functions are still active, however, and it is also now that he continues his documentations.

RE-ACCESSING SHORT-CUT TO DOCUMENT DATABASE

OPENING DOCUMENT TITLED: _Teleportation Screw-Up Q-27**(Hogwarts)**_

_8. Theighadorei: a particularly **ghastly** being, he is, outcasted and then banished by the very species that he once called "family." He is actually quite scrawny in comparison to the others and his features portray that of a very ticked off mad genius/nerd. He definitely has the goatee for it. Theighadorei wasn't very pleased with my arrival, as one should have expected, seeing as how he threw me through the cavern's roof, with no remorse I might add, and he gave me quite the headache in doing so. I did, however, get to stay long enough to find out what exactly it was that his people had banished him for: As it turns out, Theighadorei was the one who gave Nickelodeon's final authorization to cancel the show, **Invader Zim**._

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**Naraku's Phoenix:** Let's see, well next chapter I had a bit of a scratchy start but hopefully I cleared it up all the way. Not much I can really reveal about the next chapter, except that it's called: **His Presence is Known**. Heads up, it gets a little intellectual after Marvin escapes the Lake.


	6. His Presence is Known

**Naraku's Phoenix:** Welcome, one and all. I do hope you've all been doing well. It took me a while to get a good push off on this chapter seeing as I thought it best to gather my ideas and put them in order before I wrote them in. That and my friends at church have been asking me how my movie's coming along which, again, all my ideas are brain scattered. So not only do I need to put them in order, I have to start putting them on paper. I've set myself a deadline for all that, and it'll be due by the end of next school year and no later than that. Hopefully we can get a good bit of filming done before I head off to college. Ah, why am I telling you? You have no idea what I'm talking about do you! Getting back on track here, this was supposed to be another non-Marvin oriented chapter but then it would've been too short. So I looked in the mirror and talked to my reflection until I got a really cool idea which you'll read later on. You should try doing that some time. You'd be amazed how much it works, especially if you need to find a good topic for your English or writing assignments. All of my story, so far I'm afraid, has been written in and between classes since I kind of get lazy when there's time off and I'm at home; the main reason why my movie's behind. Also, I need something to engulf myS-elf in because I'm one of the "quiet ones" everyone needs to watch out for or so they say. That's only how I am in school…curse you Cameron Lightfoot! You unknowingly destroyed me in the third grade! Ahem…I forgive you. Well, I think I've rambled on long enough. Avas, my minions! To the fic!

**Disclaimer:** Me no own, you no sue. Short, sweet, and to the point!

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**Chapter 6: His Presence is Known**

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"Argh, I can't take it any more! I'm a nurse, for heaven's sake, not a psychiatrist!" shouted Madame Promfrey as she left the Hospital Wing. She slammed the door shut on her way out and was carrying a bundle of crumpled white sheets down the hallway as quickly as she could.

"Wait!" Daniel called after her, "Don't leave us alone with them, again!" This only made Madame Promfrey quicken her pace. "NO, WE'RE SORRY! PLEASE, I'M BEGGING YOU, COME BACK!"

As Madame Promfrey disappeared down the corridor, Daniel only lowered his head in defeat and then slowly, disappointedly, went back inside the Hospital Wing and took his sweet time closing the door. 'Twas Friday morning now, and what a night it had been! Justin, Molly, and Jasmine had each been coaxed into doing a non-profit therapy session – as had Madame Promfrey earlier – while Daniel had been reduced to everybody's cabin boy.

No word had come from Professor Sprout yet, who hurriedly went off to discuss this urgent matter with Headmistress McGonagall after dropping her team off with Madame Promfrey. Hopefully, _someone's _come to a solution by now; hopefully. Then again, it might fare better if someone remembered to bring them some food.

"Justin, where ya goin', buddy?" whined Ernie as he grabbed onto his friend's sleeve, "I still need to talk about my feelings." He started to cry again, "You're so insensitive!"

"Insensitive jerk!" screeched Hannah from her cot.

Meanwhile, in the Great Hall…

Professors McGonagall and Sprout sat turned to each other at the staff table and were whispering in mad sentences. They had yet to alert any of the other staff members about the matter – aside from Madame Promfrey – and had been trying to solve the situation two-fold all night.

"Look, we'll just announce the cancellation of tomorrow's match, hear the students whine, and leave them with the only explanation that the Hufflepuff team overexerted themS-elves into madness from Captain MacMillans's all-too-confusing plays," finalized McGonagall, "Sorry, but it's true, and it's the only logical explanation I can come up with for what happened last night."

"Yes, I've been meaning to talk to Ernie about his crazy tactics; might have to replace him after all," spoke Professor Sprout contemplating the thought, "Alright then," she said to McGonagall, "Let's break the news."

Professor McGonagall calmed her frizzled stature and pulled back some loose pieces of hair before straightening her glasses. She smoothed down her robes as she stood from her seat and raised her wand which emitted a loud and smoky 'BANG!' catching the students' sudden attention – many of which had either jumped up or yelped in surprise or both.

"Attention everyone, I have a very important announcement to make," began McGonagall, "Due to some recent events concerning the Hufflepuff team, a forfeit has occurred canceling tomorrow's match."

"What!"

"You're kidding!"

"No way!"

"They were in the Common Room with us! WHY THE HECK DIDN'T WE STOP THEM?"

McGonagall issued another loud 'BANG!' from her wand and silenced the students once more. "Captain MacMillan came up with another play at the last minute," she simply said.

"Ohhh," chorused the students in understanding. That made sense. McGonagall breathed a sigh of relief as she sat back down but Professor Sprout, on the other hand, still held her stale breath in.

"Don't worry," McGonagall reminded her, "Madame Promfrey will have them cured in no time. And when they are, we'll make Ernie write, _"I'll write a play my team can understand,"_ over and over again until he gets it." Professor Sprout only looked at her, and smiled weakly.

Then meanwhile at the Gryffindor table…

Colin Creevey stood up from his seat and leaned across the table to reach the plate of biscuits rather than just asking someone to pass it. People sitting on the other side took notice of his gesture and looked at him instinctively. Then, just as he laid his hand upon the plate, Colin shifted his eyes up to return the stares and said, "That's not what I saw." He and his biscuit then retreated to sit back down in his seat where he asked someone else to pass the jelly. Those around him, however, grew intrigued by his remark.

"What do you mean, _'saw'_," asked a girl in a headband.

"And heard; definitely heard," Colin added seemingly ignoring the girl's remark. He took a bite of his newly jellied biscuit before beginning his tale. "Funny thing about me," he began, "I like to walk past the Hospital Wing everyday just to see if I can get any good pictures for the school newspaper."

"We have a school newspaper?" interrupted a squeaky little blonde kid.

"Well, not yet," answered Colin, "I'm still talking to McGonagall about it, but anyway, no more interruptions. You're missing the point, here."

"What point?" inquired a girl with _naturally_ curly red hair. (A/N: heehee; Peanuts!)

"Just be quiet and I'll get to it!" ordered Colin who was beginning to get rather annoyed, "Now then, as I was saying…Upon my passing of the Hospital Wing this morning, I saw the entire Hufflepuff Quidditch team incapacitated – well, only three of them were in cots, but the others looked just as distressed." Colin's listeners grew completely silent and came closer together waiting to hear more. Colin leaned in to whisper, "They were cursing and screaming…about a _metal man_."

"A metal man?" his audience inquired.

"Aye, a metal man; you know, a robot," explained Colin, "The three who were in the cots were completely mental! I mean, the girl kept grabbing things to try and cut her hair off with, Captain MacMillan was crying and telling everyone who passed him by that he wasn't a failure, and then he wanted people to keep holding him, and that crazy Calvin kid," he paused to lean back and take a drink from his goblet, "I swear, he kept rolling around all violent-like; you'd think he was that little girl from the Exorcist, or something."

"What about the other four?" asked the headband girl.

"Well, they weren't doing much better. The three crazies had them and Madame Promfrey running around like chickens with their heads cut off trying to calm them down. By now, I'm guessing they're _all_ due for a trip down to St. Mungo's," answered Colin taking another bite out of his biscuit.

"But, how did their '_robot'_ man cause all of this?" asked the red-head.

"I'm not sure," said Colin, "but that's what I came witness to."

"Reeeeally now," stretched out the squeaky blonde kid suspiciously, "So, did you get any pictures with that camera of yours?"

"I thought I did," Colin fumbled with his camera while he spoke, "but I felt so rushed to get a good picture…I left the lens cap on."

"Well then, in that case, your story seems a bit far fetched, _if_ you don't mind me saying," said the headband girl. Colin gave a weak smile for everyone and lowered his head to concentrate more – but not really – on his breakfast plate where he put forth a single, hollow laugh.

"Well," he said, "I know what I saw, and whether you choose to believe me or not is out of my hands. So, I'll just leave it at that, I guess." He picked up his spoon and lazily played with his oatmeal. Those that had been listening to his story just smiled politely and went about their own businesses.

"Nice try, though," said the red-head apologetically, and for a few more seconds, the world seemed to make sense again. But _only_…a few more seconds.

Hagrid suddenly burst through the Great Hall's doors creating quite the commotion. He looked tired and weary as though he had traveled a great distance, but for all anyone knew, perhaps he did. There were bits of forest debris caught in his hair and beard with an abundance of hitchhiker seeds nestled around his coat. His left pant leg was terribly torn from mid-thigh down and there were quite a few arrows that had been shot into his back, or perhaps just his thick coat. If it truly was his back, Hagrid would have had them removed by now…right? And also, for some un-explicable reason, the features that were bare beneath the rough and matted hair were donned with glitter and green eye-makeup with blush that creepily matched his frilly pink umbrella which, by the way, had a string of ivy spiraling around it. As exhausted as he was, Hagrid jogged up to the staff table as fast as his body would allow. There, he turned to face all the students and lifted his arms up, umbrella and all, panting and trying to catch his breath as he spoke.

"Now-Now d-don't be h-alarmed wheeze," He stopped to turn around and drain a nearby pitcher of pumpkin juice in two gulps, "But weehv'e got a ser-serious situation on our hands!" McGonagall immediately stood up and pulled Hagrid back by the collar.

"Are the Death Eaters attacking Hogwarts?" she hastily whispered.

"Oh, I wish!" yelled Hagrid in reply. He turned his attention back to the students, "This is much worse; it's about the centaurs!"

"Huh?" chorused the Great Hall.

"The centaur; the centaurs, they-they know **_The Answer_**!" exclaimed Hagrid leaning back onto the staff table behind him for support, "They know **_The Answer_**, of all that is good and pure, THEY KNOW IT!"

"The answer to what?" asked McGonagall confusedly from behind. Hagrid looked bewildered.

"**_The Answer_**; you know, the answer to Life, the Universe, EVERYTHING!"

"_Everything_?"

"EVERYTHING!" repeated Hagrid, "They know it, and they _understand _it; WE'VE GOTTA STOP 'EM!" he bellowed. Everyone in the Great Hall only stared at him, unsure of what to do. "Oh, y'all are no help!" he winced. Hagrid then whipped back around behind him to grab another pitcher of pumpkin juice and some dry toast. He bit the toast and drained the pitcher before wiping his mouth on his sleeve and throwing the plastic container off to the side where it collided with the stone wall. He bent his arms up at the elbow and squished his face together and squatted down a bit to give one final grunted/frustrated yell that gave him the uncomfortable look of constipation. From there Hagrid jumped up once and took a deep breath before jogging back down the Hall – still exhausted and panting – and back out the giant oak doors. About half-way down, though, he mumbled this, "Cursed robot, telling the centaurs, just wait 'til I get my hands on yer cogs." And that's the last thing everyone heard from Hagrid before he disappeared down the corridor wheezing.

"So," said someone else who was previously listening to Colin before Hagrid's intrusion, "what _else_ did you happen to hear about that '_robot_'?"

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FULL SYSTEM SCAN CHECKED

COMPLETE DURATION: 12hrs. 3min. 4s 0.007ss

AUTOMATIC REBOOT: COMPLETE

RESTORING ACTIVE EXTERNAL FUNCTIONS

He awoke with the realization that he was no longer floating in the water. Daylight was noticeable amongst the looming foliage, and the faint sound of wind was whirling around. Marvin turned from his side and lifted himself up to stand and better survey his surroundings. The current of the Lake seemed to have successfully managed in pushing him upon land – save for his ankles – and as far as the landscape portrayed, the area was peaceful and void of any life-forms other than the plants. Marvin had been replaying the events he had encountered thus far in his involuntary hibernation, and in doing so, He had decided that now was as good a time as any – or not – to record his latest discovery.

ACCESSING SHORT-CUT TO DOCUMENT DATABASE

OPENING DOCUMEN TITLED: _Teleportation Screw-Up Q-27(Hogwarts)_

_9. The time I've spent at the beginning of each of my… "adventures" – has led me on to notice one thing in particular: everything I've come in contact with so far shares a near identical brain wave pattern with a one: Arthur Dent._

"For crying out loud man, how do you balance yourS-elf!"

SAVE DOCUMENT

CLOSE

Marvin slightly turned his head toward the rude obscursion, but only so. Nestled in the space between his head and shoulder was the head of a seemingly nosy, round-faced boy. "Excuse me?" said Marvin.

"Your head; it's huge!" exclaimed the boy. Marvin began to walk away from this nuisance until it called back after him, "Good gravy, man, you're walking! That's not possible!" Marvin dully turned around to face him.

"Well apparently it _is_, or otherwise I wouldn't be doing it." The boy looked dumbstruck. Hearing no response, Marvin started to walk away again.

"Er, wait!" Marvin turned around again and walked up to the boy.

'I'm never getting out of here, am I?' He thought, "What?"

"Er, my name's Neville Longbottom." Neville looked hopefully at the robot.

"…Marvin."

"So, er, what are you, exactly?" Neville asked nervously.

"Most would refer to me as the paranoid android," replied Marvin.

"Paranoid? Why are you paranoid?"

"Let's just say that I'm a prototype, and we'll leave it at that," finalized Marvin. Neville lifted himself backward to sit on a large stone as he contemplated this strange creature's words.

"You take so long to think," Marvin observed, "No wonder you life-forms are rendered as incompetent."

"Hey now!" snapped Neville, "Ever thought we might be looking for _more_ than just an answer?"

"You're _always_ looking for an answer," stated Marvin. Neville's face softened.

"Maybe so, but…I like to know _why_ the answer is what it is before I even think about agreeing with it, so…so I think." Marvin seemed intrigued this time.

"That's more than I can hold compared to most of the life-forms I've met. They all want to know as well, but they want someone else to figure it out _for _them and then cry because they don't understand it."

"I see what you mean," Neville concurred, "If you want something to be understood by your standards, _you've_ got to be the one who figures it all out."

"Ah," picked up Marvin, "but isn't it true that while some may come to an answer, that answer lacks an explanation thereafter?" 'GASP!' Is Marvin having both a pleasant _and _intellectual conversation…with Neville!

"True, true," replied Neville, "One spends so much amount of time looking for the answer to a question people have been pondering for years – no, centuries – only to find it, but then forget which question it was they were answering. Thus, questioning any explanations that might have arisen and then making the long-sought answer completely useless. But then, there are also those questions which have no answers, so why do we even ask?"

"Every question has an answer," Marvin retorted, "If not, then there should be no such _question_ to begin with. And time, as you have so mentioned, time is non-existent. It is but a mere whim of thought manifested by life-forms in order to keep track of their lives. That being said, time is also enslaving, and I almost laugh at the fact that such _superior beings_ are being controlled by but a figment of imagination."

"Almost laugh?" asked Neville.

"Almost," replied Marvin, "I'm quite depressed, you see." As the two began to sit amongst new silence, Marvin took the time to observe this 'Neville' along with the numerous fishbowls and oddly formed nets that lied on the ground beside him more closely. "What are you doing out here this early, anyway?" Neville perked up at this remark.

"Oh, I have this fascination with plants, you see. Earlier this week I managed to stumble across this brilliant water flower I'd never seen before. Through some extended research I found that this particular flower is so fragile and rare, it doesn't even have a name. So, eventually I decided that I'd observe this plant, its behavior, cycles, and reactions to weather until eventually I could garden them and expand their existence to a point where they would no longer be endangered or rare; that I may give them a name myS-elf and share their beauty with the world." Neville then pulled up his sleeve and carefully dipped his bare arm into one of the larger jars filled with the murky lake water. Out of it, he slowly and delicately lifted a slimy, tulip-like flower decked in two shades of a brilliant blue color. Marvin looked at it closely; it seemed familiar.

SCANNING OBJECT

SCAN COMPLETE

RUNNING INTERGALACTIC PLANT SPECIES DATABASE

SEARCHING…

OBJECT SCAN REFERENCE COMPLETE

CONCLUDED SEARCH: 1 MATCH FOUND

NAME: _Tillyfloot (Till-ee-flute)_

SELECT

DESCRIPTION: _Relatively harmless in its early stages, Tillyfloot manifests itself into a large carnivorous, fruit-bearing monstrosity. Tillyfloot will manage a growth up to eighty feet tall making it believably unstoppable. The fruit in question – or not in question – has been rumored to be the cure for any kind of cancer except those found in the Moony Theta 9 galaxy. No such theory has been proven, though, in accordance with three things: 1. once the plant dies, its fruit turns poisonous and invaluable. 2. It has a mind of its own and will not be fooled, and 3. No one has ever successfully picked it. The only one who had ever actually survived a feat like this not only failed in his attempt, but also was bitten in half and only escaped a mere three feet before dying a horrible, excruciating death accompanied by sock puppets. Tillyfloot travels from planet to planet and is indigenous to every and all regions where it can successfully obtain mass destruction and it has an especially great hate for egotistical people who think that they're better than everyone else. If you happen to be one of the fortunate ones who crosses paths with Tillyfloot in its harmless stage of life, THEN FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, BEING, **STOMP ON IT!**_

CLOSE PROGRAM

Marvin inwardly sighed as he saw Neville return the Tillyfloot to its recently occupied jar. The boy smiled but all Marvin could do in return was shake his head which went thoroughly unnoticed. 'Why leave it up to me to destroy his happiness? The rest of the world can take care of that,' he thought. Neville just went back to sitting on his rock and staring at the sky.

"Do you ever think about life, Marvin?" He asked.

"Why would I?" answered Marvin sullenly, "In accordance with you life-forms, that term doesn't even apply to me."

"Oh," said Neville a little let down, "Well, I do," he continued, "not just that _'Why are we all here?'_ bit, because either way you look at it, we're still here. Actually, without the moon keeping us tilted on an axis, Earth couldn't even support life."

'Earth?' thought Marvin.

SEARCH: _Earth_

SCANNING SYSTEM FOR INFORMATION

INFORMATION RETRIEVED

ONE MATCH FOUND FOR:_ Earth_

NAME: _Sector ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha_

CLOSE SEARCH ENGINE

ACCESSING DOCUMENT DATABASE

OPENING DOCUMENT TITLED: _Teleportation Screw-Up Q-27(Hogwarts)_

_10. Of all the places I could have landed in the Universe…oh, whatever, Earth._

SAVE

CLOSE

"It's true," continued Neville, not noticing Marvin's brief trip, "And it's so cool! If you look at the moon when it's full – or if you can see at least most of it – there's a woman's head, and she's always looking left. Follow the craters around, and that's her hair. It looks like one of those old circular portraits that people had done back in the 1800's."

"I've seen many moons," was Marvin's only reply, and for the first time, Neville took the time to _really_ look at Marvin.

"You're not from around here, are you?"

"Oh dear, what gave that away, I wonder?" spoke Marvin sarcastically. Neville grumbled and furrowed his brow trying to think of a response but to no avail. He just merely pushed himself up to a straight sitting position and narrowed his eyes at the robot.

"Even though I'll regret this later, I'm going to let that go, for now," He said, and, again, went back to watching the clouds go by. "You know," continued Neville still watching the sky, "I think I'd like to be a monk. Not necessarily for religious purposes, but the simplicities of it. I'd be surrounded by a peaceful environment where I can be alone with my plants," he smiled and looked at his watch, "Ooh, look at the time, Sorry to have to leave you now, Marvin, but I've got to get to the Great Hall before breakfast is over and get set for school." The boy jumped off his rock and began to collect his things, "Perhaps we'll get to see each other again?"

"Improbably," replied Marvin, "But thank you for an oddly pleasant time," and he, too, stood up getting ready to leave. Neville smiled. The two then bid each other adieu, and they walked away in opposite directions going off on their separate ways.

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"Now let me get this straight," said Minister Scrimgeour in a calmly tone, "You came here today and gathered both the Wizengamot Council and the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures along with myS-elf to request a Memory Charm be cast upon each centaur residing within Hogwarts' Forbidden Forest so that the past 48 hours are wiped clear from their minds," he paused to get an approving nod from Hagrid to show that he was repeating things correctly before continuing, "because…an extremely depressed metal man with a giant head from outer space…told _you_ that _he_ told the centaurs the answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything," the Minister paused again getting another nod from Hagrid, "And because they understand **_The Answer_**, they are now…dangerous?"

"Tha's right, Minister. They'll be the death of us all, I just know it! They may be some o' the smartest creatures out there, but they don't know how to handle that kind o' knowledge; they'll find a way to use it against us, too, you jus' wait!" explained Hagrid. Scrimgeour removed his glasses and rubbed his brow. Upon replacing them, he blew a short, audible breath and began to stack the papers strewn across his desk into a neat pile.

"All this coming from a man wearing eye-makeup; why am I not surprised?" He whispered to no one in particular.

"Huh?" said Hagrid not quite catching what he said.

"Alright, Mr. Hagrid, everything's in order. I'm sure that St. Mungo's will be very pleased to have you-"

"What?"

"-It's been quite some time since they've admitted a new method of deliria in their system-"

"W-what; no!" Hagrid tried, but too late. Guards were already grabbing hold of the half-giant to escort him out.

"-Alright, fellows, take him away." Scrimgeour then collected his things and proceeded to leave.

"NO!" screeched Hagrid as he broke free of his "escorts'" grips and advanced on the Minister, "No, you've got to believe me! It's real; He's real! I swear he is; I gave him a sponge bath for cryin' out loud! Please Minister, wait!-"

**_"STUPEFY!"_**

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**Naraku's Phoenix:** Next chapter, Marvin only seems to bring even more trouble than most would deem necessary. And it's all because…he translated a rock. I'm finishing everything up this week. I've got about 67 hits; that's pretty impressive.


	7. Hieroglyphics

**Naraku's Phoenix:** Hello, again, everyone! Unfortunately for this time I don't have a solid intro to keep you unnecessarily occupied until the chapter begins, so I'll just say this: Only two more chapters to go; thank you for your support.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own any of Harry Potter or Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Perhaps I'll find a way, one day. Maybe there's some kind of stock I can invest in…

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**Chapter 7: Hieroglyphics**

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'Which magick-infested being shall I encounter next,' pondered Marvin, not that he really cared, 'Ooh, where will this lead me, I wonder.' Marvin was a way's away from the Lake entirely by now, surrounded by a completely new landscape which was located on the other side of the castle. Imbedded in the large stone wall that dipped inside a reasonably sized ditch was a gritty wooden door with iron latches. It was as if someone had dug the hole especially for that. Marvin sauntered over to it and lowered himself inside where he kicked open the door. It hadn't been used in a while, that's for sure.

On the other side was a dim classroom lit by candles. Globes and tapestries were abundant as well as bits of yellowed parchment and scrolls that littered nearly every surface, even on the floor. Marvin walked out to the center of the room and scanned his surroundings. He didn't go far before a giant chiseled stone caught his eye at the front, resting against the wall with a messy chalkboard at its side. The chalky scribbles were strewn across in odd directions and then some, making no sense whatsoever at whatever was trying to be accomplished here. Whoever was trying to crack this code obviously didn't have an advanced enough brain for a task like this. Marvin walked up to the stone to analyze it.

SCANNING OBJECT

SCANNING TEXT

RUNNING DATABASE OF UNIVERSAL TEXTS AND LANGUAGES

SEARCHING FOR LIKENESSES…

TEXT SCAN REFERENCE COMPLETE

CONCLUDED SEARCH: 2,463 MATCHES FOUND

CLOSEST MATCH: _Jegripsie_

TRANSLATING FOREIGN TEXT THROUGH _Jegripsie_ ALPHABET…

TRANSLATION COMPLETE

Marvin sighed and cleared the chalkboard of its confusing mishaps as the translation for the stone came up through his database. Life-forms always end up making things harder than they have to; that much is indefinite. The android lazily lifted his arm and picked up the chalk. From there, he transferred his findings onto the board and stepped back to get a good look when he finished. Naturally, it was flawless. 'I'm getting _dreadfully _bored now,' he thought, and he turned around and went back out the door from whence he came, only to go back to wandering around for the umpteenth time.

Not two seconds after Marvin had left the classroom; another door on the opposite wall opened and in stumbled a middle-aged witch with wine-red robes, long, curly, dark brown hair that hung down to her waist, and glasses that were slipping down her pale, sallow face. She carefully navigated her way across the room trying her best not to drop any of the new scrolls she currently had piled high in her arms. Dropping them on her desk, the witch gave a big sigh of relief and looked around her room. The House Elves have been slacking off lately, surprisingly. She groaned.

Eventually the woman decided that if she wanted to get something done, she'd have to do it herS-elf. In that conclusion she heaved a sigh and began to gather up the bunches of scrolls on her desk, rolled what needed to be rolled back up, and stacked them neatly side-by-side. As she turned to bend down and begin picking up the mess which inhabited her floor space, something caught her eye. Somebody had erased a great deal of her chalkboard, oh, and that someone would pay _very_ dearly for this mishap, but wait! What's this? The little troublemaker left something behind.

"Goodness gracious…," whispered the astonished overworked witch. Slowly, she walked up to the board and shakily placed her fingertips underneath the yellow-dusted passage; then quickly reached her other fingertips down to stroke the stone. Back and forth she looked between the two scripts, until suddenly she jumped back inhaling a sharp gasp and snapping her hands up to her mouth while not daring to move any inch other than that. But she whispers almost inaudibly, "Someone's broken Trogdologwikt's Text…"

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The crowd was enormous. Professor Sinistra trembled violently in her seat on the stage from both overwhelming happiness and anxiety. The adrenaline was building up to a level she had never felt this excited about anything else in her life before. Today she would deliver Trogdologwikt's Text. She'd tried to find the little snot who was messing around in her classroom, but since the search was unsuccessful, Sinistra received all the credit for cracking the code. The Minister stepped up to the stage's podium to silence the overbearing crowd.

"First off, I'd like to welcome all the witches, wizards, warlocks, vampires, dwarves, goblins, pixies, and fairies and any other magickal entity I may have left out – forgive me for that – and thank you all for coming together as _one magickal community_! We have come here, banded together, to hear the newly unlocked Trogdologwikt's Text, in hopes that it holds ancient wisdoms – or at least some form of knowledgeable comfort – to help us in these coming hard times. The Second War has begun…yes…but now if you'll all turn your attention to Mrs. Sinistra, Ancient Runes professor at Hogwarts, the one who cracked the long-bearing code…perhaps we may _all_…learn something great." As Minister Scrimgeour completed his speech, the crowd before him erupted into unbelievable cheering. Seeing the applause for approval, Scrimgeour left the podium and offered a hand to Professor Sinistra, which she hazardously accepted, and escorted her back up to the podium where there he remained standing at her side.

"Wow…this is really big," she chuckled red-faced into the magickal microphone, the crowd silenced themselves and listened intently waiting for her to continue, "…Well…I guess that the first thing that I should tell you is that I didn't _break _the code, I just translated the text," she giggled a bit more before realizing that the crowd only remained silent and continued staring at her. Professor Sinistra cleared her throat, "Er, well then, even though I originally objected in sharing this with the world until we got a _full_ meaning from my translation through the interpreters at the Ministry, I'm glad to say that I was persuaded otherwise!" The crowd roared and, again, quieted back down to hear what she had to say. "Then again," Professor Sinistra continued, "We might not even need those interpreters; let the Text be understood through the Common Sprite!" The crowd went wild. "Now then, I give you Trogdologwikt's Text!" The crowd shushed and she cleared her throat to begin.

"_Pea soup, Chicken scoot _

_Hammered in our rose pink souls_

_Blackened coughs, in you face_

_Whoop dhere it is."_

Professor Sinistra finished being quite pleased with herS-elf. Scrimgeour at her side, however, stepped sharply back and stared at her with a look of pure disgust. The entire crowd remained silent, until…

"OH NO SHE DIDN'T!" There was only one who made this remark; a vampire, and it triggered an uproar.

"Well I _never_!"

"You pixies have really got some nerve!"

"I thought we were over this! That stone is ancient; we don't mean it, honest!"

"Yeah, suuure you don't."

"Are you calling us liars!"

"Well we ain't calling you for dinner!"

"Bu-la-I-this means **WAR**, you _fiends_!"

Scrimgeour pushed Professor Sinistra out of the way and screamed into the podium's microphone, "IT'S ON, TWINKLE-TOES!" I, Rufus Scrimgeour, re-declare the ancient war between vampires and fairies; _VIKENTRAWL!_ VAMPIRES, ATTACK!" And so they did. Soon every vampire and fairy/pixie in the crowd clawed, bit, shocked, and rampaged at each other as the others in the audience tried fervently to get away. Some who happened to be friends with one or the other, however, joined in on the battle and Scrimgeour, for some apparent reason, had Professor Sinistra pinned down to the stage floor strangling her with his bare hands. Her face was beginning to turn quite purple, now, and her eyeballs were trying to roll into the back of her head. Meanwhile, an inconspicuously hooded figure clumsily navigated his way out of the rumble until he was in the clear outside the stadium. Rolling his left sleeve up, the figure pushed a button on his nifty waterproof sports' watch and held it up to his mouth.

"My Lord, it seems that the Text has played in our favor, after all."

"Oh, has it now?" replied a raspy voice through the watch.

"Yes," the Death Eater continued happily, "and it's turned out better than we've imagined."

"How so; tell me more!"

"Well, the vampiric community was so appalled at the translation that Minister Scrimgeour has re-declared Vikentrawl against the pixies and fairies. I'm thinking we can use this as a personal pawn for the Dark Side. Naturally, the Ministry will get whiff of this as well and grab hold of all the vampires as soon as they can."

"…Which means we get those frilly sprites?"

"Yes."

"…"

"Well, think of all the advantages we'll have! Pixies are easily camouflaged and are in the top 10 mischievous creatures. Fairies are adorable and manipulative enough to get what ever they want. Also, some of them are so small we can plant them in the feathers of a Ministry owl. And what do vampires have? All they've got is sleep deprivation and a body full of organs that don't work."

"…Well, alright," agreed Voldemort convinced, "and would you mind bringing me that woman who translated Trogdologwikt's Text, too, if she's still alive? I want to thank her; maybe give her a hat with our logo on it."

"You got it, Boss!" The Death Eater then cut the signal off his watch, took a deep breath, let the workout theme from Rocky play, and jogged back into the stadium to pass out pamphlets and get some new recruits.

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**Naraku's Phoenix:** Coming soon to a computer near you, Chapter 8 will bring everybody home. But fear not! An epilogue has wiggled its way into my midst.


	8. Beam Me Up, Eddy

**Naraku's Phoenix:** Unfortunately, this chapter marks the end of Marvin's Hogwarts adventures. This chapter isn't all that long, but fear not! I have an epilogue that will make everyone happy, and perhaps give those of you who don't want it to end some closure.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own HP or Hitchhikers.

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**Chapter 8: Beam Me Up, Eddy**

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Marvin sat alone atop a rolling green hill. The wind billowed about pushing loose pieces of grass and rustling the tree leaves that hung above our hero's head – if you would like to call him that. There was plenty of sun, and the hill which Marvin had chosen to rest, peacefully overlooked all of Hogwarts' grounds. The android had his shoulders hunched over and stared at the site before him…until a bit of newspaper came along and smacked him in the face.

"Had to happen sooner or later," He said. Marvin pulled the wrinkling page off his face and straightened it out in front of him to read it.

_**The Daily Prophet**_

**HEADLINE: MINISTER DECLARES VIKENTRAWL**

After what was supposed to be a harmless and peaceful gathering of the magickal community – to hear the translation of Trogdologwikt's Text – all hell broke loose when Minister Scrimgeour declared a second Vikentrawl. The one who broke and delivered the Text late yesterday afternoon, Hogwarts' Ancient Runes Professor Maria Sinistra, is the primary source to blame for this abominable fiasco. Had she respected the Ministry's wishes and waited until her own translation had been interpreted further, this whole mishap could have been discarded and saved the public a lot of pain. It's as if the Second War with You-Know-Who doesn't already have our underwear in a tight enough knot. Speaking of which, after Vikentrawl was re-declared the Dark Side immediately took advantage of it and has gained allies alongside the fairies. In accordance with the Minister, the Light Side can expect to receive immense help from our vampiric brethren.

**Story continued on page A4**

Marvin eyed the article up and down.

SCANNING DOCUMENT

ACCESSING INTERGALACTIC DICTIONARIAL DATABASE OF WORDS

SELECTING EARTHANOID SECTION

SEARCH: _Fairies_

DEFINITION: _Tiny supernatural beings._

CONTINUING SEARCH: _Vampires_

DEFINITION: _(in folklore) corpses that are said to be reanimated and to suck the blood of living persons._

CLOSING DATABASE

ACCESSING SHORT-CUT TO DOCUMENT DATABASE

SELECTING DOCUMENT TITLED: _Teleportation Screw-Up Q-27(Hogwarts)_

SEARCHING DOCUMENT FOR SPECIFIC/PATTERNED KEY WORDS…

SEARCH COMPLETE

KEY WORDS SELECTED: _centaurs…giants…broomsticks…giant squid…ghost…merpeople…Theighadorei…brain wave…Earth…_

CLOSE DOCUMENT DATABASE

Marvin mulled these words around his mind and pulled his thoughts together upon tossing aside the crumpled newspaper. And then it all clicked.

'These different creatures, the unpleasantly wacky encounters I've endured, Earth, Arthur Dent's brain wave pattern…oh great…I'm in someone's _head_. Okay, I'm ready to go now.' And then, as if someone had actually heard his thoughts, out of nowhere flashed a brilliant white light for a split second and out of it appeared a tall, wooden stool. 'Well, if that's the best they can do…what am I talking about? Of course it's not.' But nonetheless, Marvin went ahead and climbed upon the stool, and the second he was settled, the white light flashed again…and from there he was miraculously transported back to the _Heart of Gold_.

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**Naraku's Phoenix:** Well, not as long as I would've originally liked, but, then again, it's not bad. Next chapter…my final chapter to this thrilling tale…is a compelling epilogue that hopefully everyone will find amusing enough to tell more than one friend about it when it's over.


	9. Epilogue

**Naraku's Phoenix:** Well, it's been a good run, everybody. Hope you enjoy the epilogue for what it's worth. It just came to me, I swear.

**Disclaimer:** And for the last time in this fic, I get to say this: I don't own Harry Potter or Hitchhikers…you can leave me alone now.

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**Chapter 9: Epilogue**

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_Hagrid's been declared legally insane…centaurs…going to destroy us all…lazy merpeople…Myrtle's new crush…poor Hufflepuff team…where the hell are Harry, Ron, and Hermione?…Tillyfloot…document databases…Brother Neville…Time Eddy…Marvin…GIANT HEAD!_

"NO!" screamed J.K. Rowling. Her thoughts were jumbled and a headache took its root as she shot up from her bed. She'd had an uneasy sleep and even though she couldn't remember all the details of what she dreamt, she had a pretty strong feeling it was a nightmare of sorts.

"What's wrong, honey?" asked her husband groggily at her side. He rubbed as much sleep out of his eyes as he could and sat himself up to comfort his wife.

"Oh, it was horrible!" J.K. exclaimed, "A robot with this HUGE head came down from outer space and ended up in Hogwarts where he made everybody go mentally insane except Neville who wants to be a monk and then he translated something off of a rock that accidentally insulted the vampires making Scrimgeour declare war and-" she abruptly stopped.

"…yes…and then what? Say…are you alright?" her husband inquired.

"I don't know, dear," replied J.K., "but…I'm feeling _exceptionally_ depressed all of a sudden."

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"Say, Eddie?" whispered Zaphod to the overly cheerful computer.

"Yes, Mr. President?" Eddie whispered back.

"You, er, notice anything different about Marvin lately?"

"Why…no, no I haven't!" chirped the computer, "What's going on; should we be worried?"

"Perhaps," responded Zaphod's right head, then his left head finished whispering, "But…I'm a little more _frightened_ than worried."

Marvin sat at an old roll top desk that appeared out of nowhere on the opposite end of the room with his back turned to Zaphod and Eddie. Papers crumpled, stacked, and strewn engulfed the space around his being as the android continued scribbling furiously across the stretches of never ending paper. Here are the lines to his final excerpt:

_And lo and behold, it had passed. Harry's death had not come as a complete shock…for to take Voldemort down in the end, He, too, had to fall. Every year on the anniversary of his demise, old friends far and wide would come to his grave and honor his memory by paying their respects. There, they would retell the tale to a new generation of magick, making the world, not necessarily any more sense, but a more peaceful place all around. May the Dragon's Secret…live on!_

"Alas!" exclaimed Marvin holding up his latest pages to the sky, "The seventh book is finally," he took a moment to pause dramatically, "COMPLETED!"

**El Fin**


End file.
